Flashbacks and The Division They Create

So last night I went to Owen’s and things eventually got heated. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have sex that night, but in the end I just couldn’t resist. So we did and it was fine. Though afterwards I was left emotionally raw I guess.

Due to all this Monster business going on, I’ve been feeling extra vulnerable lately. So sex with lights on and him being able to see me made me feel vulnerable, not to mention that I’ve been struggling a bit with my anorexia. I think he figured I wasn’t exactly as relaxed as I have been.

But after, like twenty minutes later, things got over whelming for me. I noticed that Owen had a similar blanket to Monster’s and that sent me into a half flashback. Like part of me knew I was at Owen’s but part of me was lost in the past.

Owen and I were in bed and he was cuddling me. He was exhausted from a long day of work. He could tell my breathing was fast paced. I don’t think he knew I was crying though. I tried to keep as quiet as possible.Owen and I just started dating a two to three weeks ago so I don’t know what I’m allowed to ask for at this time. I have no idea if I was allowed to tell him I was having flashbacks or thoughts back to that night, or if I was allowed to ask him to try and ground me. I honestly felt so pathetic that I was having these PTSD symptoms. I felt bad or ashamed about it. Or guilty and I’m not sure why. There have been people in my life who have been understanding about it. Of course, Eric was one of the people who, if I had a flashback, would know how to ground me and try to bring me back. So that made things worse when I thought of that, compared to Owen who was just cuddling me while I was trapped in my mind being tortured by my past.

It sucked having all those Monster memories come back to me. And the memories weren’t all about the rape. Some of them were times that Monster comforted me and was sweet to me.

One was being at his home and him comforting me while breaking down. Another was being in his college dorm room and me on the right side of the bed while he cuddled me on the left while we watched DEXTER. That was an okay memory. But since the rape happened in that bed, having that memory led my mind back to that night.

I’m very glad to be going home today because I still am not sure if Monster will be in town this weekend. But I get back on Sunday, so if Monster decides to come home, then I still run the chance of seeing him because he wouldn’t be heading back to school until Monday evening.

Owen just walked in the room and he made me laugh. I like that. He can be very goofy. He usually tries to be goofy if he knows something deep or dark is going on in my head. Or tries to distract me with something cute like his dog, or videos of kittens. Though, maybe later down the line, I would appreciate if maybe he would actually be okay with talking to me about what’s going on inside my head. I know that he knows I have difficulty trusting others due to what I’ve been through, and he gives me my space…but I would hope that if we continue dating and stuff, that one day he would be able to ask me what’s on my mind and push for an an answer. But Owen doesn’t seem like the type to want to talk about anything “bad” or “painful”…but maybe I’m wrong. It’s just the vibe I’m getting. Still have tons to learn about him though…

XOXO Anna

P.S. Won’t get a chance to post again today because I will be flying home. I’ll post more tomorrow.

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