So I mentioned that I went shopping with my sister over the weekend. I even went shopping with my mom before my sister got home.
When I went with my mom, I wasn’t too anxious about it, and I ended up finding a thing or two that I liked. But I didn’t have my mom or a friend outside the dressing room to tell me whether I looked good in something or not. That was scary. I honestly can’t trust my own judgement when trying on clothes because I will see something false. My perception is distorted. But the clothes I did get, I tried on later and got confirmation that I looked good.
I probably looked good in the other 12 things I tried on, but couldn’t see it.
When shopping with my sister, I tried on clothes without too much anxiety, though when pant shopping I need another’s opinion. So I tried on three pairs of pants and bought one. That was a win for me.
Shopping is the worst, especially because being anorexic, my size changes- not dramatically but it’s noticeable in my clothes. Like before I went home, I knew I must have lost a couple pounds just by the way my clothes fit me. But I’m back on track, and eating and not skipping meals.
Can I just say having anorexia sucks. It’s really a mental illness, like all eating disorders. It’s so warped, and I know it is. My logic is illogical when my eating disorder runs my head. I had the urge to purge through coffee yesterday, but didn’t. Logically I know using a laxative won’t do anything, but my ED(Eating disorder) thinks that it will. It’s infuriating to battle the irrational thoughts that pop up. Sadly they still do pop up. I used to not have a logical thought when it came to any of this, but through treatment I healed my body and mind…though my mind still needs some work.
Never giving up is what it’s all about. If I keep fighting this battle it will pay off. If I stop fighting, then in essence I stop fighting for my life. People need to eat to survive, and if I don’t fight against the irrational voice of ED then I end up starving myself. That’s not healthy. I am proud to say that I can know the difference between healthy and unhealthy. There was a time where I didn’t know the difference…