So I had my outpatient group last night like I do every wednesday evening. I went in feeling not so great about my body image and since we went out to eat Pizza I left feeling pretty shitty about the way I looked.
Of course I woke up this morning and looked at my reflection and thought That’s better, but not perfect and it was stupid. I mean, no duh my stomach wasn’t going to feel okay right after I ate a pretty big meal- at least it was big for me. I still have to go through that period where I get used to eating a normal amount again, so I will be a bit bloated as I go through that process.
But because that makes me feel like I don’t look good, it makes me feel like I want to isolate and not let anyone see me- unless I look perfect. See the irrationality there? Not everyone looks perfect 24/7! I know that, I do, but it’s tough when an inner voice tells you you don’t look good and no guy would like you because you’re not skinny enough.
God the irrational voice of ED sucks. But still powering through it as best I can. I couldn’t get myself to eat a “real” breakfast so I ensured it. (For those who don’t know what Ensure is, it’s a nutrition shake that you have to drink if you can’t finish or don’t eat your meal.)
I also might go to another punk concert tonight, so I want to be able to feel confident in whatever I wear, so that is also making me nervous about eating a normal amount today…Though I might not go if none of my friends are going.
I am actually meeting one of the girls in group for lunch today, so that should go well. When I was in treatment my therapist said that lunch was key to my recovery, since I so easily could skip it. So I am trying to find a lunch buddy.
Also wanting to get back into exercise which is scary as shit! I used to be one of those who went quite overboard with exercising and also not eating and all that…so for me getting back into exercising is scary. I don’t want to get addicted again. I also have terrible anxiety about going to the gym. So I am also looking for a work out buddy who will make sure I stop after 30 minutes when I first start and then stop me after an hour once I can do 30 minutes without begging to do more.
Just trying to stay healthy and balance everything.