I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while, but have been way too scared. But seeing you the other day made me realize I need to talk to you. I feel like there was miscommunication or misunderstandings after we broke up. So I am here to clarify and talk about it from my point of view.
With everything that happened this summer, I initially was worried about Ethan’s feelings, but I was also dead terrified of losing you as a friend, and that’s why I was hesitant throughout everything. Part of me obviously had feelings for you, strong ones, but at the same time there was a part of me that always thought of you as just my best friend. And as things got hectic for me with the case I couldn’t really be there romantically. It was hard for me, and I was going to end it because it wasn’t working. I also told you that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and honestly at this moment I am so happy to be single. That was my reasoning behind it.
Though I also wanted to breakup, it didn’t mean it was incredibly hard and painful to do and go through. For me, if you know me at all, you know I don’t like pain and will do whatever I can to avoid it because it’s too overwhelming- hence the getting drunk that night and cutting.
Then as I mentioned to you before we even made it official between us, we promised no matter what happened that we would always be friends, and I told you if we broke up I do a 30 day cleanse so I can no longer have feelings for the person I was with. That’s why I haven’t contacted you. And that was one of the hardest things for me to do, was to not talk to you, or call you or text you when I wanted to catch up, or when some pretty bad things were happening. It killed me.
But I stayed strong and didn’t reach out, because I knew we both needed time for our feelings to subside. And for me, the best way I can kill my feelings for a person is to find a new person that I could think of as cute or have an innocent crush on. For me I went out on dates- dinner, talking and not seeing them again. Simple. I ended up dating someone for more than one date but I ended it after a while. So I’m single and happy. I dated, and tried to find guys who I could like purposely so I could kill my feelings for you so that we could be friends again faster. My whole goal through post breakup had been to be able to have you back as one of my best friends, my family.
But seeing you the other day it dawned on me that maybe you weren’t the person I thought you were for the past two years. This is where the letter goes two different ways.
Hypothetical 1: (positive)
You were truly my best friend for two years and actually cared/care about me, and you’re just hurting from the breakup and can’t bear to talk to me or see me because it makes you (insert feelings here), and you were waiting for those feelings to leave so we could once again be friends.
Hypothetical 2: (negative)
This was a masterpiece plan. That you becoming my friend and gaining my trust and my complete confidence in you would one day pay off. With your master manipulation skills, you easily read me and figured out how to make me feel safe around you and trust you, so that one day when you made your move on me, I wouldn’t be able to say no. And then once getting in my pants and winning, you could end it and leave me to pick up the broken pieces. If this is the situation that happened, let me applaud you. You outdid The Monster! The Monster wasn’t able to infiltrate my home life with my family and closest friends I’ve known my whole life. You not only hurt and abandoned me, but you hurt my family too! My family feels utterly betrayed by you. In fact, I’m not allowed to introduce them to another boyfriend unless I’ve been with the guy for over a year! I wasn’t the only one who trusted you. My mom and dad trusted you and believed that you would respect me and care about me. Let me tell you they were shocked to hear the news, and so were my family friends, who also loved you, Robin and Jerry. Congratulations man. With these skills, you can really do great things and get far in life- but remember, that at the end of the day you will have no one, and that sucks. I mean, you’re family life isn’t good, and here you have this friend who lives an hour from you who tells you that you have a safe place to go if things get tough at home, and you hurt them. This is where your master plan falls to pieces. This is where a better manipulator would have known to avoid this pitfall, so that no matter what he had all that he wanted. But let me say if this was the true situation, you my dear have dedication! That’s something that isn’t always there with people who manipulate. They don’t have the patience to get the reward they want.
Now that we have the two hypothetical situations that I think could have happened out there, I personally want to believe in situation one- because I figured I knew you. But with recent events I have to doubt myself and my trust in you, which is where hypothetical situation 2 comes in. One of the counselors I saw was the one who really made scenerio 2 a possibility in my head. She said, “Well, what if you’re seeing who he really is for the first time in two years. I know it’s hard to hear, but what if this is him and he just put on a show for you.”
If you are the master manipulator, you could easily turn this around on me, saying “How dare you say that about me! You don’t even know me, this proves I shouldn’t have you as a friend.” But since I am well versed in manipulative behaviors I’m not falling for that.
The only reason I think scenerio 2 exists is because you did leave me as a friend too. Now I understand that there needs to be space after a breakup, but you knew damn well what I was going through. I had the The Monster case going on, and my family friend who is dying of stage 4 lung cancer. I had to deal with that all on my own. Of course when things got out of hand I reached out to Ethan.
I also want to ask why are you upset and mad with me post breakup when you ended it? Why that instead of what I’m trying to do now, which is get us to a better place? I mean, if you’re still working through romantic feelings I understand that you would not want to be friends. I mean, it took me a while to be able to be friends with Ethan again, so I can understand if that’s where you’re coming from.
I want to also say that I was extremely hurt by what you said to someone about me. Just because I went out on dates, doesn’t mean I’m a slut. I asked if I could go out to dinner with that guy friend from freshman year, and you gave me permission. In no way would I have ever cheated on you if that’s what you were worried about. But you saying “she is a slut and I’m glad to be done with her” killed me. I rather you hit me than say something so nasty. Of course, I can understand that you said that out of anger and pain, because I’ve said things out of anger and pain that I didn’t mean.
As much as I am hurt that I feel like you abandoned me, I will thank you, because you made me that much stronger. With each person who hurts me, they don’t break me- they make me stronger.
So right now, I am not sure if I want to be friends with you. In a perfect world, I really do want you around as my friend and have it be like old times with you me and Ethan being a family. But with my pain that I’ve felt from you (has nothing to do with the breakup, it’s just the friends thing) I don’t know if I can, until I hear your side of the story. I really do want to hear your side of the story and what it has been like for you. Because as I said a million times communication is key to any relationship whether romantic or not. I feel like you might be upset with some things I’ve said in here, but I wanted to be completely honest with everything that has entered my head, because without honesty we won’t get anywhere.
Let me say on a final note, thank you. No matter which scenario is real, thank you. Because without you I would have had a really hard time getting through the rough patches over the past two years. So thank you for being there in the past. Also thank you for giving me the tough love I needed and kicking my ass and getting me to go to AA. It’s changed my life, and I forever thank you for that. Even if you and I are going our separate ways, as painful as that is, thank you for letting me have so many good memories with you.
Thanks for listening, Anna
That’s the letter I plan to read Eric when I actually see him…which the idea of even seeing him scares me because I don’t want to be rejected. But c’est la vie! All I can do is be honest and hope for the best.