What do I do now?

So my whole life, as far as I can remember back, I’ve always had a crush on someone-except for a 2.5 month period in high school. I’m single, and that’s fine. I was single for 18 years, so I can be single now and not care. What I do care about is the fact that I have tried to have a crush on someone or even think of them romantically and it just turns me off.

I know why too- it’s because after losing Eric, I can’t get myself to trust anyone. I feel emotionally or mentally stuck and it’s not fun. I feel like I want to be able to have new friends and meet new guys for fun, but because of how cynical and jaded I am right now, I just can’t do it.

When I see my friends talking about crushes and dating and needing advice I light up and help them, getting so excited for them…yet if I even have a guy say, “I really want to kiss you” I get so turned off. Not because they aren’t attractive or I don’t want it, but because to me, the second romance enters the picture the guy is then untrustworthy. So I rather have some new guy friends and keep them as friends even if they are attractive and have asked or tried making a move on me.

Plus I warn guys who make a move on me, that down the line they will be thankful I told them no. I mean, really, with everything I’ve gone through with Peter, The Monster, my anorexia, and now Eric, I really don’t need to add anyone or anything else onto that list- and that’s just boy/body problems. That doesn’t even touch on my family friend who is dying, or just general stress from school. So being single is a blessing!

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This picture feels true! Guys put so much effort into winning you and making you fall for them, that when you profess your feelings for them, they suddenly realize, “Wait…do I even like her? I spent all this time trying to win her, but do I really want her?”

But I feel very confused and frustrated that I can’t even have a simple innocent crush without my cynical and jaded voice telling me that no one is worth it because they will screw you over. Logically, I know there have to be some guys out there that are worth it…but where are they?

XOXO Anna

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