I’m tired of being questioned and accused.

So yesterday Ethan came over and we hung out. It was all good until he mentioned Monster. That’s where things took a turn for the worse. Ethan started by saying he didn’t think the case would move forward and Monster would get convicted, to which I told him the case had already been “dropped.”

He then proceeds to tell me Monsters parents were furious and they told Ethan’s parents who were like, “What the fuck?”

I don’t blame Monster’s parents reaction. Of course Monster’s parents wouldn’t think their son would be capable of that.

Ethan’s parents, who I love, of course would be shocked to hear this. Monster and Ethan have known each other for ears, and Monster was like family to them.

But what really hurt, was that Ethan asked if Monster even raped me. Ethan made me doubt myself and what I knew to be true. I then proceeded to remind him that Monster was the one who told me and I quote, “Drunk consent isn’t consent.” That’s what Monster told me about what happened with Peter.

I also showed Ethan this picture.

IMG_1790

I remember seeing that on Facebook one day and I screen shotted it because I knew one day it would come in handy. Though I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would have to defend myself to my best friend. I love Ethan dearly, but him telling me that Monster didn’t rape me was uncalled for.

Monster knew who intoxicated I was. Monster knew I had a flashback to Peter only hours earlier. Monster knew. I was too drunk to consent. I was too drunk to know how to handle the situation. When one is in survival mode, you don’t think clearly, let alone add being drunk into that equation. All you think about is how to survive the situation.

For me… I came out of a black out to see Monster over me, and I didn’t realize we were having sex until I felt a pain down there… and I wasn’t sure who was over me, because it was so dark. I originally thought it was Peter because that’s how drunk I was. And Peter scares me. So I didn’t say a word and I didn’t move. I didn’t know what to do. Once I realized it was Monster I was horrified and again stayed quiet. When I finally got the courage to speak I said I had to go to the bathroom.

In the bathroom I didn’t know what to do. I was stumbling, and I was in Monster’s dorm, in his school- which is 3 hours from my school. I wasn’t even thinking clearly. All I knew was I didn’t want Monster to get angry at me. So I walked back and he helped me on the bed and I asked to be on top because I didn’t know how else to take control of that situation.

I really don’t remember the nitty gritty details, but I know that I was wasted and could not give consent. Drunk consent isn’t consent, no matter what anyone says. And just because me and Monster had consensual sex previously, doesn’t mean it’s okay to have sex with me every time. It’s especially not okay to have sex with me when I had a flashback only hours earlier.

I even reminded Ethan that I was in that same situation but Ethan was in Monster’s place.

One night Ethan, Monster and I were all hanging out together a couple weeks after what happened with Peter. I got drunk at Monster’s and had a flashback to Peter and Ethan took me home, back to his dorm room, and put me to sleep, and didn’t touch me. He took care of me and kept me safe. Even though I remember asking to make out with Ethan, Ethan  said, “No, you’re drunk and you just had a flashback. I won’t touch you unless you’re sober.”

I told Ethan that was what Monster was supposed to do the night Monster raped me. It’s just tiring having to defend myself- especially to those closest to me.

XOXO Anna

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2 thoughts on “I’m tired of being questioned and accused.

  1. Pingback: Building a defense… | Undiscovered and Exposed

  2. Pingback: Negativity and a Half Way Fun Night | Undiscovered and Exposed

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