Feeling a little lonely…

So I’ve been reading James Michael Sama’s blog for the past couple hours and some articles hit me hard.

As those who have been reading my blog posts since the beginning, you’ve read the name Ethan and Eric a lot. Those were my two best friends, and also ex-boyfriends, who were amazing to me for two years. Ethan and I had a really strong friendship until last quarter. Eric and I had an even closer friendship with me, and that completely ended last quarter.

James writes about romance but also he mentions friendship. He states, “But the truth is, you don’t walk away from someone you love. You don’t leave them in their time of need. You don’t sit out the storms. You run outside into the rain next to them and you hold that damn umbrella over their head for however long it takes.”

Ethan and Eric have done that, but last quarter suddenly they disappeared when things got tough. It baffles me that I knew them for two years and suddenly they just up and leave. The three of us have been through so much together. We were like the Three Musketeers! I understand that Ethan has a new girlfriend and friends, but he doesn’t invite me on hangouts anymore. And Eric, I sent him that letter finally, and still no word- which I figured he wouldn’t- but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

When I use the reference to James’ quote about love, I don’t mean to reference it for romance. There are all kinds of love, and I am talking about the love between friends.  So why is it all of a sudden that my two best friends have seemed to disappear?

Part of me -irrationally-thinks it’s because I reported Monster. I know Ethan and Dean didn’t understand why I reported it. Eric was supportive at the beginning but suddenly left… I can’t help but have the irrational thought that they left me because I…

A) reported it


B) how reporting it took such a toll on me and I really needed a lot of support

But friends shouldn’t just bail or doubt you.




I just wish Ethan didn’t question what Monster did to me. That’s why I put those gifs, because that scene between the two of them reminds me a lot of how it felt to hear disbelief in Ethan when talking about Monster and reporting.




That was basically what Eric’s original reaction was like. But maybe some storms are too much and people jump ship.

I guess what I am trying to figure out is why now and not two years ago? And this experience has left me hesitant to trust new friends enough to let them see me when I’m not “perfect.” I just don’t want to drive someone away because I ended up crying in front of them. That’s not how friendship should work.



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