Well can I say fuck me royally?
He ended up getting a flat on the way and was late, but then we grabbed coffee and tea, and walked around for a bit and then we went back to my place. We started watching Dexter but soon were making out, and then one thing led to another…and now I’ve had sex with him.
Fuck. I so didn’t mean for that one to happen. I really honestly thought all I would do is make out with him at most.
I can’t tell if I feel guilty or bad or just plain like trash. I know that those aren’t supposed to be the feelings you feel with sex, so that makes me annoyed. It was a one night stand. something I really tend not to do. I think I just feel bad because I had sex with someone who doesn’t want more? Or at least I feel like he doesn’t.
All I know is I feel like I stupidly had expectations. Is it wrong for me to think a guy might want more than one date? Or actually like me as a person? I guess I feel like shit because lately all I feel like I am to a guy is “a piece of ass.” I guess my mistake was sleeping with him. My mistake was actually being attracted to him. My mistake was actually hoping that maybe he wanted more than just a fuck. IDK he said he’d text me or something sometime.
This is why I gave up on guys and romance. Maybe I’m just going low because I was high earlier. Not high as in stoned, high as in mood. I actually was hopeful. The date seemed promising until we jumped into bed. I think my problem is that I think if I don’t give the guy what he wants he will walk away. The real problem is I give the guy what he wants and then he walks away. So it was my mistake, it’s on me for sleeping with someone.
But I will admit this, there were moments where when we had sex, it felt safe, no judgement. It was a feeling I haven’t had in a long time. I think that’s why this one hurts. It hurts because I lost something I used to have. With Andy I didn’t feel what I just felt with Ramone. With Owen I sure as hell didn’t feel what I just felt with Ramone. I guess I just got a taste of what I’ve been looking for, and now I am sure after today it’s gone.