So my scene partner Gus had to leave early to get to something else, so he was the first to go, and I followed after. My scene took maybe 4-6 takes. She took me outside and told me to focus on a time when I had to disappoint my sister, or confess something to her, since she is the person I would hate to disappoint the most. Then after that take my teacher asked me to talk about what was going through my head.
“I am sorry Gus, I know you have somewhere to be,” I said and started crying. My teacher cleared the room so it was her, Gus, and me, and told me to continue speaking my thoughts. Once I was really emotional, she rolled the camera, and told me to do my monologue. I ended up doing a great take, and by the end when she called cut I couldn’t stop crying, and was crying for real. I was partially humiliated, but Gus gave me a hug and so did the teacher. I was allowed to go home after that because of how emotional the scene made me.
It was strange because I really held eye contact for most of my monologue with Gus. I even held eye contact for when I said, “I love you so much.”
That line was very hard for me to say because I made a promise to myself that I would never say “I love you” in a serious romantic way again unless the guy said it. Now I know it was my character saying it, but I haven’t said the words “I love you” in a long time. So for me to say those words in a serious way for the first time since my freshman year of college was extremely hard. I remember thinking about how awkward I felt saying “I love you” to this classmate who is playing a character. It just seemed strange, but Gus was a good scene partner to play off of. I swear if I had a different scene partner it would have been so much more difficult.
But honestly I think I couldn’t really cry and get into the scene because I was in my head saying there are classmates watching you, and crying is a sign of weakness. Because once the room was clear and it was only Gus, the teacher, and me, I let myself feel and be true. I do still feel “weak” about crying for real after the scene ended in front of Gus. I don’t think he would judge me for that but I still feel awkward. I barely know this guy, and I’ve cried real tears in front of him. I couldn’t even cry in front of Quick Silver when I was cutting Ethan out of my life, and god, did I want to cry. I don’t ever want to cry in front of Quick Silver or Andy. I don’t want them to see me as weak or emotional. But anyways, I was debating on texting Gus and saying sorry about crying but I felt that was also stupid. I’m just going to let it slide, and when I see him next in class I’ll thank him for staying and apologize for actually losing it.