Fuck me royally. So this is the conversation.
So I feel guilty as hell. I am usually not the one hurting someone. I am usually the one getting hurt. I feel like I’m going to cry so hard. I really liked Owen. I know I probably had a lot of trouble admitting it, but FUCK. I really wanted to be in a relationship with him. I felt good around him when we actually talked and stuff. But if we were screwing, I did feel like nothing more than sex. That’s not right. I only did this because I had to. I had to protect myself too. If I didn’t hurt him, I was going to get hurt too. Then we would both be hurting. I mean, we are both hurting right now…but idk. I just feel like shit. Did I do the right thing? I feel like I did because I should be with someone who truly wants to be with me.
I could really use some advice on what to do. I will give him space, but I really fucking want him in my life. I really do value him as a friend, as a person. If he was capable, I would love to have him as a boyfriend, but he isn’t ready. Fuck. I am angry and sad and just want to fucking punch something or smash something or self-harm even… and fuck. As you can probably tell I’m an emotional mess right now.
I’m sad because I hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him! I wanted to be with him! But I had to take care of myself too, which can be hard because I always put others in front of me and my needs, but I had to stand up for what I wanted and needed. I just want to cry and just sulk in my room. I hate this pain. I’m mad because I really do like him. Why? Why? Why did it go like this? I just want to hug him and say “I’m sorry but I need to look out for myself too.”