I made the choice yesterday, really with a huge push from Ramone. I went to hang out with Ramone and he could tell I was off and eventually he got me to admit what happened between Owen and me.
I told Ramone:
I went over to Owen’s and it seemed like we were making progress, we were actually talking and stuff, and then we started fooling around. I told him that, “I didn’t want to have sex with anyone unless they were my boyfriend. I’m not with casual sex.” Owen said,” I can respect that, but I wish you told me sooner.” I said, “Sorry.” Then we continued fooling around. I thought I was safe. But the next thing I know is we are passionately making out and then Owen is in me. I realize that he is having sex with me when I said I didn’t want to have sex. I told him, “Wait, whoa, what did I just say?” Owen stopped thrusting. Owen stayed still over me, still in me, for at least another 30 seconds to a minute. He finally pulled out. I was terrified, stuck in my head. I got dressed and pulled away from Owen. Owen started apologizing and saying that it wasn’t my fault. “I’m so sorry. It wasn’t your fault. I lost control. I got caught up, and I can’t help that you’re so irresistible. I know I just lost a lot of your trust how can I earn it back?” I just sat there silently trying to figure out if I should leave, if I should go get a medical exam done, if I should report it. “I am so sorry, really. Please, just don’t leave. Okay? I’m sorry,” Owen said as if reading my mind. Once Owen told me not to leave, I knew I couldn’t leave. I was scared to leave. Owen is ex-military with a gun and a very strong man of 30. I am a 21 year old girl who knows practically nothing about self-defense and can easily be overpowered. I weighed my options in my head and I didn’t think I could grab my things and make it to my car without him chasing after me, trying to stop me, so I stayed because I didn’t want anything worse to happen. In the morning he woke up and I woke up too, he kissed me goodbye, and then I fell asleep again. I woke up and I left. I left knowing what happened but not wanting to say it. Not wanting to admit that I’ve now been raped 2 times. This proved me right in waiting to figure out whether I wanted to be with Owen or not. I sure as hell don’t want to be with a guy who can’t respect no.
Ramone told me I had been raped and I needed to report it. I told him I was scared to go to the station on my own and I was scared people would turn on me or leave me or hate me. He asked “why would they?”
I replied “I don’t know.”
He said he would go to the station with me, and barely gave me time to resist, and we were soon out the door heading to the parking lot to get my car. I called my dad on the way there because I am one who seeks approval from their parents. My dad said I should’t report it. I would look bad, it wouldn’t hold up, and he said what was I expecting if I were fooling around? My parents agree that it was rape, no doubt, but they said I had to look at my actions and see why this happened to me again. Made me feel like it was my fault. My sister was on my side, but she also agrees that if it were her she wouldn’t report it. I told her that me confronting the guy who did me wrong didn’t help in the past- it actually made it worse- so that’s another reason I’m just reporting it. I am doing it to stand up for myself, try to not let it happen to someone else, and to not just be a “victim”. I respect any individual victims choice of whether or not to report. I personally believe that it is my duty as a victim to report because when people don’t say anything the problem continues. But if people spoke up, then maybe things could slowly change.
I hung out with Quick Silver after the reporting. I told Quick Silver and he said I made the right decision too, and fully supports me. I also told him that I sometimes cut. He doesn’t like that subject to say the least. I did cut “XO” in my arm with a safety pin the other night, but it was just scratching no bleeding, and I stopped myself before it got worse. I just, after Monster I cut “XO” into my arm because Love and Abuse were mixed up and confused. I am angry about Owen and the only way I could get my emotions out were by scratching “XO” on my arm. But Quick Silver and I got dinner and talked and he was very supportive of me and made me feel like I did the right thing. He told me my parents were stupid.
“If I had a car, I would have made you go to the station too. I just didn’t have one and wasn’t sure…and I just want you to know I would have done that for you too. And if you ever need me to tell your parents to fuck off, I’ll do that. I would have hung up on your parents too if I was in the car listening to them telling you all those things. But seriously, if you ever are with me and you’re on the phone with your parents about this and they give you a hard time, I’ll talk to them,” Quick Silver told me.
That’s why I am glad to have Quick Silver as a friend. This reminds me why I want him as just a friend. Yeah he is cute. So is Andy. So is Ramone. But all of them, I want them as my friends. But seriously, Quick Silver and Ramone gave me something I haven’t had in ages- a friend who is completely on my side supporting me. They have no idea how much last night meant to me.
Anyways, I get the report on monday. Owen is out of town and won’t know I did this until they start investigating. All I can pray for is that he didn’t wash his sheets. But still it’s a he said/she said thing.
But I am very scared. My dad even pointed out to me, “What if Owen gets angry at you for tarnishing his name and goes after you or decides to get revenge?”
I told him that I thought of that already. And I have, hell that’s what I was thinking the night it happened when I was in Owen’s bed trying to figure out what to do. Trust me, I am scared. Owen not respecting my choice to not want to have sex showed something about his character I didn’t know before. Him getting angry at me for ending it and trying to blame it on me shows me something about his character I didn’t know before. It was the right decision to take it slow with labels with Owen, because I am so glad he was never my boyfriend. I don’t even know him if he can do that. And you wanna know the worst part? Before the rape and fooling around happened, I was telling Owen how hard of a week it had been with my PTSD symptoms and telling him I was too scared to leave my apartment at times.
So to those reading this, please, I believe I did the right thing. I don’t need any negatively with me towards this decision. I am already feeling humiliated that this has happened to me again, ashamed, and angry. I understand my parents wanted to protect me, and they thought by me saying nothing I was being protected. But no, that just enables the problem. I already feel like crap. Like with Monster, I had feelings for Owen, and it was a hard decision to make, but when I take emotions out of it, I know what he did was wrong and I can’t let my emotions for someone cloud that. That’s what I did with Monster and look how all that ended up?
Also just saw a snapchat from Owen, he is out of town, it’s confirmed. I feel a little safer- for now.
Thanks for reading.