Well I also got Quick Silver hooked up with my journalist friend to see if Quick Silver wants to apply for the film crew.
So when Quick Silver, Andy and I were all at Andy’s we immediately started training. Andy pulled an unloaded gun out and taught me how to disarm someone with a gun. He taught me what to do if pinned against the wall. He taught me what to do when I was pinned on the floor. He taught me how to deflect a punch. I feel more empowered for sure. I also told Andy what happened with Owen and I.
I eventually practiced against Quick Silver and that was fun. It was nice to have two people to be able to try out what I learned on that way it isn’t the same every time. It was intense. But once Andy’s girlfriend got home things got tense. She had like 2 fits. One where after about ten minutes of getting home and such she started leaving and Andy had to talk her down. Quick Silver said he would explain more later. Then things got settled and we continued training. Sonic was mentioned at one point and like we were all chilling in Andy’s bedroom and like I don’t know what happened but I wasn’t in the room and suddenly she stormed out.
I was very confused because I was talking to Quick Silver when that happened. Like jeez! I don’t know if it was jealousy of me or just him hanging out with other people than her, but it was not fun for me. There’s a reason I hate girls. One reason is they get between me and my guy friends. It sucks to be one of the bro’s yet still suffer the side effects of actually being a girl.
Quick Silver tried to get me to open up while Andy tried to calm his girlfriend down because Quick Silver noticed I was distressed. I told him I was scared that I would be kicked out of the friend group and Quick Silver said I was blowing it way out of proportion, but I explained that it was all I knew. In my past if one person in the friend group didn’t like someone, then they were essentially ditched or kicked out. Quick Silver assured me that’s not what was going to happen.
Then we started talking about Owen and the rape and my emotions. I didn’t write about this the other day because I was too embarrassed or ashamed. But I wrote a suicide letter- not a serious one, just one to vent in. I would never commit suicide just saying that now to be clear. But with my parents not supporting me it really got me severely down and I wrote a letter out of anger and pain trying to explain to them what it would be like if I weren’t here and such. It was a letter to vent in. I frequently write letters when I’m angry and then rip them up or burn them. It’s really just a way to vent my feelings when I don’t know how to actually talk to the person.
Quick Silver I think got worried. I assured him I am not suicidal I just was down and needed to vent. I told him not to tell Andy about the cutting or suicide letter. I don’t know how Andy would react to that. But Andy and Quick Silver assured me that if I ever felt unsafe I could always go to one of their places to chill. That was nice to know, but that was before the girlfriend got home, so I am just taking a wild guess that I am probably not going to be allowed back into Andy’s house…
I am stating this now. I have NO interest in Andy what so fucking ever. And in all honesty Andy’s girlfriend isn’t like the most attractive, I mean, she is pretty but I can see how she could be threatened by me, but there is no threat. Though now I know why Andy never told her about that one night Andy and I had. She probably would have lost her shit on him. I still feel guilty about that night sometimes.
But anyways, I am just happy that Quick Silver and Andy won’t be like leaving me. I mean, I totally wasn’t invited to Sonic because of the girlfriend, so I am a bit hurt, but at the same time I want to keep the peace. I told Quick Silver I would never want to do something to hurt Andy, his, and my friendship. Quick Silver was really nice and gave me some hugs since I opened up again and was obviously emotional when talking about the suicide because hell, that ain’t easy to admit that you were in that dark a place that you wrote a goodbye letter essentially. Quick Silver walked me to my car which was really nice. It made me feel safe.
One thing I love about Quick Silver is that even though he reminds me sometimes of Ethan- the good things- the one thing I am happy about is Quick Silver knows when to give a hug. With Ethan I would be crying and Ethan would be on the opposite side of the room. So it’s refreshing to have a friend be able to read emotions and react accordingly.
I am just not happy that Andy’s girlfriend and me are already having issues. That isn’t promising. I just hope that she eventually knows that I am not a threat. Because hell if I were to ever choose a guy to be with it sure as shit wouldn’t be Andy.