Finally, Truly, Broke Down

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Last night, I finally really let myself feel what I’ve been suppressing, dismissing. My sister said she was shocked at how put together I seemed after Owen raped me, but she assumed I had been getting lots of help. She said she thought it was strange at how well I was handling everything, but she didn’t question it because it was positive.

I am here to say I am not okay. That’s okay. I eventually will be okay and hell, it’s understandable that I am not okay right now. I truly am not okay. I am not sure why, but Owen raping me is hitting me harder than when Monster did. But I talked to my sister about how I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it through the quarter and was debating on getting real help. I knew I needed real help, but having a counselor tell me she thought I needed IOP treatment was what hit me hard. Before yesterday I had been looking at PTSD treatment centers. Not lying. But I didn’t want to tell anyone because I thought it meant I was weak and couldn’t handle it.

I want to finish this quarter, and my sister said she would talk to mom and dad about me doing the IOP thing so I can finish this quarter out, then taking next quarter off for treatment.

I remember hearing one of my younger friends got raped her freshman year and she left school. I now understand why. I mean, with Monster I refused to acknowledge what happened, so I was in denial, which was how I made it. I am not in denial about Owen and that’s whats killing me.

I feel I need help, no, I know I need help. I am just afraid to ask my parents. I feel like I’m wasting their money and everything, and I feel bad because I can’t “just get better”.

But healing takes time. I know that. And sometimes you need that extra help. So hopefully my sister talks to my parents and there will be an open discussion about all this. My worst fear is having my parents say they don’t think I need that intensive amount of help. I don’t think they will say that, but when it comes to school, school’s always come first. The only time it didn’t was when I went to treatment for my anorexia. They saw that I needed that. They saw me go back to school. They saw me move on. So hopefully because I’ve already had to take time off school, they will be more understanding this time around.

XOXO Anna

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