Ethan is a triplet. He has one brother who is identical to him and the other isn’t. They also have a sister too. Spencer, the identical triplet, and I had a two hour phone conversation at 1 AM. I really missed Spencer. I remember the first time I saw and met him I thought “Shit, I’m dating the wrong twin.” I never ever told Ethan that, but I honestly was like, “Spencer is everything Ethan isn’t.” Spencer is good emotionally, meaning he understands emotions and can be emotional himself. I love that about him. When I was with Ethan, he was a robot, so you can see how a girl would like an emotional guy.
So Spencer and I talked last night. I got to hear about school, classes, his girlfriend! I loved talking to him. I confessed to him what happened with Owen and the self-harm. We got on a rant about guys, and rape, and sex in general. It was great. I missed our rants and vents. I literally haven’t had one of those since he’s been with his girlfriend which has been like seven months. That’s way too long for me not to have a Spencer rant. It was refreshing talking to him and hearing his thoughts on life. Spencer and I have had so many good conversation rants, debates, and vents since I’ve met him. Hell, Spencer helped me so much during my relationship with Ethan.
Also not going to lie, Spencer is the cuter twin. Though their friend told me that most think Ethan is the cuter twin. But if Spencer heard me say that, he would be like, “Ha! Suck it Ethan.” I love the dynamic between Spencer and Ethan, though they tend to fight a lot, or did whenever I hung out with them in the past. I remember this one time, Spencer was driving and we got lost and he and Ethan got into a real yelling fight, which kinda was scary, but yeah.
I really want to see Spencer. I haven’t written this yet, but I am thinking about transferring schools to study psychology and criminology, and Spencer asked if I was looking at his school since he is a psych major, but I said I just needed to get out of this state. Spencer goes to a school in the same state as Ethan and I, just a couple hours away from here.
The reason I want to switch schools is
- Too many bad memories here
- I feel trapped educationally
- I want to do more than just write
- I truly love psychology and criminal justice and want to learn more to see if that’s what I want to do.
- I need a fresh start. One where no one knows me or my past.
But Spencer totally understood me when I told him that I wanted to transfer. He also understood me when I was talking about self-harm (probably because he studies psych) and when I explained why I thought I did it yesterday again, he understood my reasoning. He didn’t seem to be judging me, more trying to understand and help me, which is what I LOVE ABOUT HIM. Ethan always told me I shouldn’t do it and didn’t do much more than that. I always hated talking about Self-harm with Ethan because there was judgment there, and I felt like I was being punished when I told Ethan. Like, Ethan once told me that he wouldn’t go to the hospital if I was there because of my self harm.
Like really? Jesus fuck, can you say anything worse? First off, I don’t self-harm that extreme, so that isn’t even a possibility, but jesus Ethan is just stupid. I get it that some people don’t get self-harm, hell I don’t think I understand it half the time, but saying things like what Ethan said is not helpful at all. In fact, it’s hurtful and makes you feel alone and not cared about.
I like Spencer’s approach in asking why I’m doing it, trying to understand, offer other ways to cope, and saying that he is there for me. He gave me times he was free in the week so if I ever wanted to talk to him I could. That meant a freaking lot to me. It’s just sad that I’m not friends with Ethan really, and I still am friends with his siblings.