Last night I was contacted by Andy’s old roommate at 11:30 PM who I knew through the parties they had at their place. Andy moved out and is at a new place now. But this guy who we’ll call, Adam, invited me over to watch movies. Now, this guy is open emotionally. It’s very different than what I’m used to. So in the car, he just started asking questions right off the bat, of course I dodged some of them.
When we got back to his place we watched the movie and talked. He kept asking me if I were comfortable and making sure I was okay. I guess he knew I was a bit nervous or tense. We cuddled and watched the movie and talked. He wants to pursue being a professional masseur after he graduates here. He gave me a massage, and he is pretty good. We continued talking and watching the movie.
I told him he had to open up first and we would go in baby steps. We did. He opened up, I revealed my anorexia. Then he opened up again, I revealed my self harm. He opened up. I revealed other things that I haven’t revealed here, nor wish to. We finally got down to the rape. Turns out he knows someone who was raped and all that.
He was very kind to me even though he called himself a player. He is not the normal player or does he define himself by being a player. He says he is honest about his sexuality, which is him not wanting a relationship but being fine with sleeping with people because he is leaving in a year and doesn’t want to get attached to anyone romantically.
He ended up kissing me, which hell I was scared but excited. I don’t like him, but ever since Owen I have been terrified of that first step back into normalcy with a guy. So last night we made out. He respected my boundaries, and he took me home when I asked. I originally felt really guilty after we made out because everyone kept telling me that if I stayed away from guys then all my problems would be solved. As if, keeping away from guys means I can’t get raped or something.
But this morning I don’t feel guilty. I feel unsure. I wasn’t really turned on at all throughout the making out and stuff, and it was because I was constantly on guard, a bit fearful, actually planning out how to defend myself if anything went wrong. I feel stupid, because Adam is pretty nice and did respect every time I said no. I am cynical, jaded, and cautious. I don’t trust Adam. I don’t expect anything from Adam.
I am glad, however, that I got that first step out of the way. Just kissing/making out with a guy. Figure out what it feels like now, and if anything about what I like and don’t like has changed. Because after the sexual assault, things I liked/disliked changed. Same after Monster. Now, I can’t really tell because of how hesitant I was and how I drew the line at making out. But I know that I am more hesitant. I know that I am not ready for any intimacy romantically. But I know that it is possible for a guy to think I’m attractive even though they know I’ve been raped. I know it’s possible for a guy to be respectful of my wishes.
Since Adam is the type to just be casual about his sexuality I think what turned me off most about last night was knowing it meant nothing, it was meaningless, and supposed to just be fun. To me, it wasn’t meaningless in the way that it was the first step. That’s what it meant, the first step to regaining any sexual confidence. So for that I am thankful I got that “first” experience out of the way now so I wouldn’t build it up in my head any more than I did- hence me being so scared and not being able to enjoy anything last night.