So I’ve been writing since high school. During college, it was very hard to write my book series. Now that I have a break I’ve gotten back into the series. Though, it is extremely hard to just pick back up where I left off. I feel as if I have to read one of the earlier books to get back in the groove.
I’m going back to the therapist who got me through Peter and started working on Monster with me. I’ve got an appointment in an hour and I’m really nervous. I really like my therapist, I do, but part of me feels embarrassed or like a disappointment because I got raped again. I just wish I didn’t have to go back and say, “Hey, so Eric and I broke up. He ended up being a huge douche! Ethan and I almost lost our friendship, and I got raped again.” Like that just sucks.
But I can’t move forward if I don’t talk about it. I can’t move forward if I avoid it. Every time I see a Subaru I get really angry. Owen has two Subaru sports cars. One blue, which was the one he drove me around in a lot. He then was working on his silver one when things went bad between us.
I guess just take one day at a time.
It’s been almost two weeks and I’m still sick. I finally got my parents to take me to the doctors. I got prescribed antibiotics to take for 10 days. Hopefully the medicine takes hold soon because I am coughing up a storm and my nose won’t stop running, plus I have a on and off fever. My sister has my cold now back at college, and my mom is upstairs with my cold.
Being sick is the worst.
Last night I decided to watch two movies. One, too embarrassing to admit, and the other, To Write Love On Her Arms. Well, as you can guess it was kind of triggering. I mean, great movie, but I was crying through out the movie. It definitely gave me urges to self-harm but at the end it passed. But lots of Owen things came up last night.
I am honestly humiliated about it. Still. I am still utterly humiliated and ashamed of what Owen did. With Monster, it’s been so long that I’ve accepted it. Same with Peter. Owen is still very fresh. I just feel shitty most of the time. I am scared to socialize and be normal. I’m afraid of a guy hitting on me.
All that makes me mad. Very mad. With therapy, time and treatment I’ll heal, but damn, it’s going to be one painful recovery.
I crave knowledge, it’s just always been a thing with me. So what do I do while out of school? Sign up for online courses! I am taking Intro to American Law, and the course is technically over this weekend, so I have a lot of catching up to do, which is fine by me. Then I also signed up for Introduction to Human Behavioral Genetics.
Hopefully this will make me feel like I’m not wasting my time while out of school. Also got in touch with my therapist, and I’ll be seeing her on friday. I am not thrilled to be going because I’ll have to tell her about Owen and being raped. I just feel shitty about it.
I wonder how Quick Silver and Andy are doing. Today was first day of classes for Spring Quarter so… yeah. I just have no idea what I’m going to do with all this free time…
My dad and I made the 14 hour drive home in one day. We got home around 11:30 last night. It was long and exhausting! Also I had a fever today so my cold is still here and that’s been sucky. Luvas and our youngest cat, Tempe, have interacted since we’ve been home. They seem to tolerate each other and interact pretty well. My cat, Soleil, doesn’t even know Luvas is here. Pearl and Lorenzo know Luvas is here but aren’t fond yet. It always takes adjusting when adding a new animal to the house.
I am now home and bored. I have to start going to therapy, and looking into treatments for PTSD. I also have to visit the colleges I’ve gotten into so I can make my choice on where I’m going to be going to school. There’s so much to do and I just want it all done now so I don’t have to worry. But all of what I’ve mentioned will take a couple weeks to get sorted out.
I am not good with transitions and changes, so hopefully I don’t get down while I’m at home.
It was my last day in New Orleans and I had fun! Went to a voodoo shop, and walked around downtown, and drove around with the family. My sister and I went to an amazing restaurant and had dinner together then met up with our parents later in the evening. We all just got home and are packing so we don’t have to do anything in the morning.
I’ll be back in my apartment in the evening tomorrow. I can’t wait to see Luvas! I have missed him so much. It’s really crazy. Had a pretty decent spring break. Now I’m exhausted and am ready to pass out.