I had put off grocery shopping for a while and finally went in today and got food. I was nervous though. I was very self conscious about my looks and what I was buying. I got what I needed to get and ate when I got home.
I also had EMDR today and we started working on Owen. I think I was emasculating Owen the whole time we were “together.” With the memories that came up and the processing I realized that Owen probably was a lot more insecure than I originally gave credit and must have felt rejected by me the whole time.
Imagine this: You’re a thirty year old fit guy, who got cheated on by his wife years ago, and now are dating after getting back from the military. You date this pretty twenty year old college girl. You think you’re the shit. She rejects your proposal to be your girlfriend. You give her the cold shoulder but you still see her. She doesn’t text you over her six week break. You see her relationship status changes for a short time. She comes back and she sees you the first day back. You try to make a move on her, be romantic, she says she has to get back to her sister. Another rejection. Next time you see her you both open up emotionally. You tell her you felt rejected when she said no to being a girlfriend. Talking about titles comes up and the next step.
Then you all know what happens next (for those new reading, he raped me). So today was the first session for Owen. I’m glad to be officially done with Monster. But it was very painful today. That session. It brought back so many memories. It brought back Owen’s dog Beau who I love and loved me. I got so attached to Owen’s dog.
I’m really nervous about the EMDR for Owen but I know it has to be done. I just hope I process through this quickly. I want to enjoy life again. Not be plagued by flashbacks and triggers and panic attacks. Hey, maybe one day I’ll date again.