I’ve never felt bad about being adopted except for twice in my life. Once when Ethan and I were talking about kids and I told him I wanted to adopt, and he said he wanted kids of his own. In my head I was like, “Well, what am I to my parents?” That made me angry and it made me feel bad.
Most times (basically 99.9% of the time) I forget that I am adopted. I don’t even think about it. In my Drama-rama post I talked about a recent family fight. I didn’t go into details but all of us were yelling and all of us were at fault. As I said, my sister and I apologized, bought flowers and chocolate for our parents. We’ve apologized a lot. Mom just says “we will talk about it later,” meaning once she gets her test results.
In the family fight adoption was somehow brought into it. My sister is also adopted. I guess we both have some issues that are there. We have the natural curiosity any child would from being adopted. But my mom is also adopted. In this fight she walked away and went to another room crying. I went in to comfort her, give her a hug, etc. She pushed me away and said, “You’re lucky! You (meaning my sister and I) were in an orphanage! We saved you!”
That is the second time I’ve felt bad about being adopted. Ever since she said that comment I don’t feel like her child. I don’t feel a part of the family. I feel so distant and detached. It’s sad because if you’ve read my other blog posts, you will know that me and my mom haven’t always had a great relationship. Only a year ago, after my first time in eating disorder treatment, did we start to talk and bond.
I feel like it’s all been lost. I feel so upset at what she said. It makes me feel like a charity case or something. It makes me feel like I’m a visitor in my own home. It makes me feel as if everything I own isn’t really mine or something because they (my parents) bought it for me.
We probably won’t talk about this as a family for a week or so is my guess, but I don’t know how much longer I can go without losing it. All day today I felt suicidal and depressed. My sister did an amazing job at trying to cheer me up and think positively. I don’t want to feel this bad for another week. I don’t want to feel like I’m not wanted in my own home. I know that my mother probably has no idea I feel this way, but what she said really hurt me, especially because in the 5 languages of love I am the Words Of Affirmation, so words really do have the power to hurt me more than the normal person.
I just have no idea what to do and how to move forward with my “mother”.