So to catch you guys up since I finally have the energy to really sit down and blog, Cody and I have had two sleepovers now. I slept over his house on monday evening. We went a bit further than the car hookup (but not all the way) and in the morning I was seriously nauseous. I mean holy hell it was bad. Plus while we were at his place and hooking up I kinda had not flashbacks to Owen, but images of Owen entered my head. Even in the car hookup I kinda felt I’m not sure…Kinda an out of body experience a bit, but also I just felt strange. There were moments when I would think of Owen and what he would think if he saw me with Cody. It was strange.
When Cody and I were fooling around at his house I really tried hard to keep myself present and in the moment. There were times when I would be a bit confused as to where I was. Even Monster entered my head. So strange.
But I went to see Cody play at open Mic night and Serena asked me if I was going but on Monday we kind of got into a fight. Like I am actually really upset at her for saying what she said to me.On Monday I was hanging out with the guy I had the best sex of my life with. He was in town for one day and I figured I wasn’t going to see him again really. I found out he had a girlfriend while hanging with him. If I hadn’t of met Cody and if the guy was single I probably would have wanted to have sex with him again because he knew how to handle me when we did have sex a couple months ago. He earned my trust in bed. But I met Cody (and am so happy about that) and the other guy has a girlfriend so obviously nothing happened. But Serena texted me saying,
“How was last night?” (referring to me hanging with Cody)
“Ummm both good and well yeah idk I mean it’s a conversation for face to face” I replied.
“Everything is a face to face conversation with you.”
(couple hours later on monday)
“5:30 the mall?” she asked.
“Hey I can’t do the mall today, I’m exhausted and I’m seeing that guy I had sex with back at my school we are going to dinner and bowling.”
“Two boys one night. Be careful,” she replied.
“No. Dude, me and Cody didn’t you know…go all the way and trust me I have no plans of doing anything with the other guy,” I said.
“What? I’m serious. I’m sore and can’t do anything. I promise I didn’t have sex with Cody. I’m not a whore and I made a promise to myself and I’m keeping it,” I told her.
“I’m not saying you had sex with him or that you’re a whore. I’m just saying you need to learn to be happy without male attention 24/7. I just don’t want you to rely on others to feel good about yourself. I love you.”
“First off, since Owen raped me, which was four months ago I have had pretty much no make attention, so I don’t rely on a guy for my confidence. Yes, any one would say that it’s nice when someone likes you, it’s flattering and it does boost your confidence a bit, but that’s everyone. This guy is here for one day and we are hanging. I’ve had minimal social contact over the past four months. So finally being social has been nice,” I replied.
“I understand all of that but you have told me many times that you find having a male companion one of the most important things in life and that scared me. I just want you to know there’s more to life.”
“Yes, male companions, as in FRIENDS. They are better than girl friends, that’s why it’s important,” I explained.
“Your word was boyfriend or lover or something. I just don’t want you still thinking that is all and you told me the other day you wanted to sleep with that guy. I’ll butt out I just want you to be careful is all.”
“Yeah I wanted to sleep with him for the amazing orgasm but I’m sore and I have no interest anymore. And sleeping with him is a whole different story than sleeping with someone new. I feel safe with him because he respected my no once. I don’t know Cody or any other guy out there well enough,” I said.
“Why are you sore?”
“That’s none of your business,” I said.
“Ew he fingered you”
“Okay five year old.”
“How am I 5?”
“You just said ew he fingered you. It sounded like a child,” I said.
“It’s a text you don’t hear it. Forget it. Have fun tonight. Be careful and what not.”
So that was our conversation and I got really angry because I’ve not had male attention and I’ve been FINE. Hell being alone when Ethan and Eric abandoned me was hard but I learned to love myself and my own company. Then Owen raped me and I have to work to get back to that good place. And for fucks sake, me hanging out with Cody and being able to be physical in any sense is fucking progress! Like fucking hell I know she probably is worried about me with my history, hell everyone is, but what everyone doesn’t realize is that never dating again just makes the PTSD stronger and the rapists win. I will not have that. And when Serena said “Ew he fingered you” it made something that felt good turn into something disgusting and negative which really made me mad because I had made progress on enjoying physical intimacy.
So me and that guy hung out, grabbed dinner, turned out there were no available bowling lanes, so we went back downtown and we ran into Cody. Later that night I said goodbye to that guy and Cody and I went to the bar and he bought me two drinks. We were going to go to this party after but it didn’t work. We went back to his place and you’re caught up on that.
So in the morning I said I was nauseous. Cody was amazing. He got me water and a banana to make sure I was okay. He gave me a back rub and was just fucking really sweet to me. I even said thank you for being so nice. I also told him I have anorexia because he asked what my therapy session was about since I had to eventually leave. I obviously wasn’t going to tell him I’m there for rapes and PTSD and getting EMDR. So I told him the lesser of two evils. Also in the morning he was like, “Let me know if it’s too much.” (meaning the physical stuff) “Thank god! Yes I’m overwhelmed let’s slow down,” I said. So we agreed to slow down physically so that made me happy and feel more confident and safe.
Last night I went to the coffee shop for open mic night to support Cody. We had fun and we went to a diner. We talked more and I opened up a bit which was really hard for me but I did it! I talked a bit about Ethan and I think I mentioned Eric. I totally mentioned Quick Silver and Andy. But yeah, then I was telling him about how I took a photo back in high school and how I captured a ghost on my film photo. We went back to my place to look at it. We ended up sitting in my room and talking. Luvas loved Cody. I mean LOVED Cody. I’ve never seen Luvas be social or let anyone else pet him and Luvas rubbed up against Cody and really wanted attention. I guess that’s good sign(?).
But as we made out we talked and Cody was commenting on how my body is the definition of an hour glass figure and I really was flattered because I had been freaking out over the past couple days about my looks and weight and the way he complimented me wasn’t like idk it was more appreciative than lustful I guess.
But that made me feel good and I was like, “Well I hope you like more than just my appearance.”
He said, “Of course, do you think I would be spending all my time with you if I liked just your appearance. I mean, when I first saw you I was like damn. Then when we talked, everything I said, you got excited and related and as the night went on, when we went to the diner and Serena was like, you’re getting chicken tenders, which was what I wanted, I knew you were awesome.”
“Okay cool, yay,” I replied.
“I honestly wasn’t sure what this was the first time we hooked up, but I don’t know. I don’t really do hookups and I haven’t been with anyone in like five months.”
“I am not the hookup type either and I also wasn’t sure what this was. I also haven’t been with anyone in a couple months.”
Then we talked a bit more and I told him I have a strict no dating friends rule and he asked me what that made him. I told him that I wanted to know what I was to him and he said more than a friend and I agreed that’s the way I thought of him. Then he was like, “Well, tomorrow we’re seeing Avengers, it’s a date.” I smiled and replied, “It’s a date” and kissed him.
So Ahhh so much as happened as you can tell by this long ass post! By the way sorry for it being so long, but I just had to spill my guts about this since no one is being supportive.
When I saw my mom today, she was like, “Cody stayed over?”
“Yeah… I know you’re probably not happy with me, but all we did was make out, I promise. The rule after the Eric thing was no sex in the house and I figured if Cody and I kept it PG then it was okay.”
“I just don’t know…” my mom said.
“Mom you can’t let Eric stop you from letting me see someone or having someone over. I know Eric really hurt you and the whole family for that matter. And I honestly wasn’t sure how I felt about letting Cody stay over at first. I mean, my room was like me and Eric’s room and now Eric has no power over that room. It’s not his domain,” I said.
“I know, I just am worried about you. I don’t want you to get hurt with everything you’ve been through,” Mom said.
“Well, honestly I get that, but honestly if Eric is going to get in the way of Cody’s ability to come to this house you need to talk to a therapist about it because that’s not healthy.”
“No, he can come over I just don’t want you having sex in the house. After Eric…it’s just it really hurt.”
“Don’t rain on my parade. Even my therapist said she was happy to see me smiling for once. She told me to not let myself talk me out of being happy. She told me to enjoy it so please be supportive. This is progress, it’s a step forward.”
“Okay, I know. Just be careful,” mom said.
Mom was floored when I told her Luvas liked Cody and let him pet Luvas.
“That is something,” mom said when I told her.
“See, and animals have good instincts. Trust me I’ve been looking for red flags and I haven’t found any. After everything I’ve been through I am seriously careful. Cody is really nice. He does really sweet things like hold my hand when we sleep or kiss my forehead or cheek or kiss my hand or gives me a back rub. Mom trust me, he is being really nice to me. Plus he agreed he wanted to wait for sex. I mean, hello! What guy waits for sex? He is like a freaking unicorn. They don’t exist! And after all the bad guys I’ve dealt with it’s nice to have a guy treat me as a person. It’s nice that he wants to wait too because honestly that really means a lot to me,” I explained. (also there are times when he kisses me with such passion I can feel it in my toes!)
“Okay, I will support you, just be careful,” Mom said.
Later this morning I ate breakfast and Cody texted me that there were no movie times that worked because he gets off at five and needs to be back to work at nine for a meeting but he said we could still hang. So I agreed and now I’m going to enjoy my day!
I deserve to be happy and I am honestly kinda freaking because this is my first crush since Owen. It’s a step forward and I see all of what’s happened as progress and no one’s bad attitude is going to stop me from trying.