Though Cody and I couldn’t go to a movie we still hung out. We originally met up at a bar because he wanted a couple drinks after work and then we went to the coffee shop and got coffee. I didn’t have anything even though Cody was telling me he would get me anything. We talked more about my eating disorder and it’s really sweet of him to want to help me but I told him it’s not his job. He still responded with he felt bad and wanted to do whatever he could. I’ve learned a lot through having an eating disorder while seeing someone.
Back when I first realized I had anorexia Ethan wanted to help me with my disorder. He said the one thing that would make him happy was either helping me or curing me of my disorder. It wasn’t until later that I realized how unhealthy that was. His happiness relying upon how well or sick I was.
I appreciate that Cody says he wants to help, and he even said that he knows nothing about psychology or anything which makes him feel like he doesn’t know at all how to help. I thanked him and tried to make it clear that my anorexia was my issue to resolve. I did try to explain the disorder a bit more, like that sometimes I’ll look in a mirror and I won’t see what everyone else see’s, or that I hate shopping because my weight will change on whether I am eating or not.
Cody then said we had time to go bowling instead of a movie that way we would still have our first date. I totally jumped at that idea. Bowling was so much fun. The first game I totally kicked his ass! I’m quite competitive and I got a score of 94 and he got a score of 33. Then the second game he kinda kicked my ass, I got a score of 66 and he got a score of 93. And while we played he kissed me! In public! It was such a high. Then he had to go to his work meeting and he asked to hang out after his meeting. I just told him I couldn’t be out too late.
So I got home and had my mom make me dinner. I also sat down with my parents and said I needed to go back to Renfrew. They said okay, obviously. After I ate dinner which took like an hour to eat, Cody got out of work and came over to watch Dexter.
We also made out while watching it which was nice. I was so tired. Like, you know when you’re so tired you feel like your drunk or wasted? I was that tired. We went up to my room and we made out and part of me wanted him to stay over but part of me knew better. Cody said he shouldn’t stay you know didn’t want it to be too much. I agreed though. That also scared me, that I wanted him to stay. I mean, yeah I was having a rough day with Owen thoughts and really wanted comfort but the fact that I wanted comfort from someone else scared me. It scared me that I trusted Cody or liked him enough to believe that he could comfort me.
This morning I called Renfrew and I have an assessment on monday. Cody texted me and we’ve been texting today. I am crazy exhausted though, so I’m probably going to take a nap later and Cody said he would call me so I wouldn’t sleep the day away. That’s sweet of him.
I just hope I can get the eating or -lack there of- under control. I know there are reasons why I don’t wanna eat, like Owen and having to do EMDR, and Cody because I do like him and that scares me, and nerves about going to a new school and whether I’ll fit in or not.