Yesterday Cody asked me to hang in the evening and I met him at the bar and met his friends. One of his girl friends is really nice! I really like her, and that’s saying something since I don’t like most girls. She’s really cool! So sitting in the bar, we were talking and I was asking Cody about my Verizon data and stuff since he works at Verizon. He was looking through my phone and the app wasn’t working so he went on the internet. Luckily I saw him and snatched my phone from him. There were tabs about rape and recovery and having sex after rape, so you could see the word rape or domestic violence in the like heading, and I almost had a heart attack. I was so scared that he had seen it, but luckily what caught his eye was the FBI tabs I had. Scariest thing so far. He asked me what that was about but I said I’d tell him eventually.
Anyways so Cody, me and his friends all went to this private pool club to play pool. Cody and I got there before his friends and I met his mom. She was really nice too. Then Cody, me and the friends went upstairs to play pool. Andy was texting me the whole time though.
He is behind on rent and asked if I could lend a hand and well after all Andy and I have been through, and him being there to help me through Owen, of course I was going to help! Then somehow we got on the conversation of that one night we had together and about if we would want to do it again. I told Andy that I’ll have to drive through where he is to get to Florida so it could happen if I’m single. I would only possibly sleep with him again because I trust him and I would want to know where I sexually stand in my PTSD symptoms. Also I told Andy something I didn’t ever tell anyone about Eric… Like this one time, when we were back at school and I was in the middle of reporting Monster, when Eric and I were trying to be intimate he kinda manipulated/forced me to give him blow jobs…. like I told him I didn’t want to but he just teased me and said if I didn’t do it he would just tease me and then leave and stuff and it was really annoying. He like would say, “blow me” and then I’d be hesitant and he’d kinda push my head down and I eventually did it, and after like 30 seconds he’d bring me up to make out so he could tease me, and repeat. Andy told me that was really messed up. So yeah… but it’s whatever, I’ve been through worse as most of you know.
Anyways, so as Cody, me and his friends were playing pool I talked to that girl I liked and mentioned the whole Andy situation when Cody was out of the room and how Andy brought up that one night we had together. Also when Cody was in the room but not near us I was telling her about how Andy needed money and I felt bad and stuff and she was like well if he is really a good friend than do it, but don’t do it if you feel obligated or something. I told her that he was willing to shoot someone (Owen) for me, so I told her that I owed him and didn’t mind. Cody came over at the last part and asked, “What about shooting?” I told him, “Nothing.”
His mom eventually came up and she helped me learn some tricks to playing pool. It was so funny she was trying to teach me how the correct way to hit the ball was and whispered in my ear, “Keep the stick straight…think blowing a cock.” It was so funny I burst out laughing and was so embarrassed but I got the point. Cody and all his friends were asking what his mom said to me and omg it was so funny. His mom is really cool haha.
At the end of the night Cody and I went back to my house and we watched Dexter in my bed and made out and stuff. It was fun. Then I can’t remember how my anorexia came up, but it did and he wanted to help so I got my treatment binder and gave him a sheet of things that could help. Not all applied, but he texted me today to send him pics so he would remember. Last night he was like, “Whenever we’re together if you’re hungry let me know and I’ll buy you whatever you want, seriously.”
So yeah then we continued making out more and watching more Dexter. Eventually we just were talking a bit. That’s when things got more anxiety provoking for me. He asked me if I liked giving blow jobs. I honestly didn’t know how to answer that. I am an honest person and hate lying, but I was not ready to reveal my stupid back luck sexual history. I eventually said I am not sure anymore. He accepted that but could tell I was still off. He asked, “Are you worried I don’t like you?” and I shrugged. I don’t know, I just don’t always accept the idea of a guy liking me, especially someone who is so nice. I usually accept guys liking me for my body and guys who treat me like shit. “I like you. This isn’t just a thing. Like, I like you,” he said. That made me smile. We eventually went to bed at like 4 AM. But I was triggered by something as simple as a cuddle.
So after Owen raped me and I knew I had to stay the night with him, he cuddled me all night, I think to make sure I didn’t leave in the night to report the rape.
So when Cody was cuddling and holding me the same way Owen did I got triggered. I half way knew where I was but half of me felt like I was back in Owen’s room. Images of Owen, over me, in me, kept flashing in my head. I was trying not to cry, but tears definitely fell. My breathing was erratic. Like I’d breathe normal and then a flashback would hit and I would like gasp. Eventually I had chest pains and sat up and just tried to breathe normally. Cody asked if I was okay and I told him it was chest pains. He rubbed my back and I got up to write it in my phone so I wouldn’t forget to mention it in therapy. He went back to bed and I eventually went to bed too.
In the morning he asked me if I was okay after last night. I told him I was. He made out a bit more and he pet Luvas a lot when Luvas jumped on the bed. On the way out my dad was working on this old stick shift Volvo that we call Black Beauty, and he met Cody. I kinda panicked once I realized my dad was going to have to meet Cody. Especially after yesterday when my family was kinda arguing over the conditions of Cody coming over and stuff. My dad said that he didn’t want to meet Cody, my mom said she did want to meet Cody and my sister was indifferent. My dad said he didn’t want to meet Cody I presume because he’s met past guys in my life and it hasn’t worked out, but he also mentioned he had no idea why I wanted him to meet my past boyfriends after he met one. He told me he didn’t think it mattered.
But anyways, so Cody was checking out Black Beauty as I was asking dad if he could reteach me how to drive her. Then as Cody and I were walking to his car my dad asked Cody about our phone plan and usage and stuff and Cody said he could help, and yeah, they had a short conversation.
Later this morning when I sat down with mom and dad, mom told me dad said he met Cody. Dad said that Cody seemed really nice, was friendly, and thought Cody was handsome. That was not what I was expecting but yay I guess haha. Cody, me and his friends might all go bowling later tonight after I have a family friends dinner.