I’m going to start off by discussing what happened during the day before Cody and I went out on a date. This could potentially be a longer post than normal. So for those of you who’ve read my past posts you know that my family right now is not at its best. My parents have their Dallas show coming up and my sister ….well no one knows why my sister is angry at all of us. Yes, all of us, not just me anymore.
Last night I thought we were all going to be having the family talk that has been needed. But mom got annoyed at me and dad and mom started fighting and mom said I was the reason my dad and her fought and I got in between them. That hurt. It also hurt that when talking about Cody and my past and everything she was like “we are the ones who have to pick up all the pieces” aka meaning I’m a burden. That just made me super angry. I also can’t stand yelling, hearing two people scream at each other makes me very nervous. I just grabbed my car keys and booked it out of the house and went to the graveyard near my house.
I am not sure if I’ve mentioned that I go to the graveyard when things get tough but I do. Most people go to church and pray to a God they believe in. I go to a graveyard and hope that their are lingering souls who’ve maybe gone through similar struggles. I go there, drive through the graveyard and talk. Yesterday I talked about all the stress I’m going through and I kinda cried at the graveyard. I haven’t gone there and cried in a long time.
When I got home I sat down in the TV room with dad and we started talking and Cody came up and he misunderstood what I was saying and we got in a fight. I sadly have to say I was so overwhelmed I went to the fridge grabbed a tall glass and started pouring my dad’s vodka in it. Mom told me to stop and I yelled at her to back off and my dad yelled at me and then I said that I just wanted to drink myself to death and ran upstairs and put on my mad/sad/suicidal playlist and cried in my room.
You guys must be wondering why I was so emotional? Well, I had therapy yesterday and did EMDR on Owen. That was extremely painful. I cried throughout each set. I guess it wasn’t as bad as the first time I did EMDR for Owen, but damn. In therapy we talked about Cody too, and comparing how he treats me to all the over guys I’ve been with and how fucking different it is. I never really knew just how fucking controlling Eric was or how ridiculous some of the other guys behaviors until I saw what I was supposed to be treated like.
Anyways, so my dad came upstairs and I turned my music off and I cried and tried explaining to him that I am making progress and it’s hard and it’s really hard when I am trying so hard and everyone is against it. My dad assured me I was loved, not a burden, and that I was strong. I know I’m strong. If you’ve been reading my posts for a while, you guys know the battles I’ve gone through.
So then I go out with Cody. We had a lot of fun watching Jurassic World. I liked the movie. Then we went back to his place and we made out and fooled around a bit and I went home. I was supposed to take my sister to her first photography class this morning but because she is so pissed at me and my dad she didn’t go. My dads mad because he, as he said, “just pissed away $380” on a summer class.
Then this morning I woke up and my mom called to let me know I’m going to the doctors today…meaning getting my blood drawn. I have to go alone which sucks but I’ll survive. Then later today we are going to be having that family talk so I’m really nervous about that. I don’t want to be verbally attacked. I hate fighting. I hate conflict. I do whatever I can to avoid it.
Also I’ve been body checking like crazy. Like this morning before going into the shower I looked in the mirror, examining myself trying to see any change. Of course I see one. A “good” one. I know how bad anorexia is. I know that I’ve ben strong with it and have done my best to keep eating but damn! Because I have been really actually legitimately restricting for the past week or so, I feel like I can’t stop. I know not eating is not the solution to numb out all the crazy emotions going on right now, and nor is drinking or any other bad behavior, but not eating just feels so good.
It’s funny though, just a couple days ago I told my mom that it had been so long since I’ve been really into my anorexia that I couldn’t remember how I originally did it because it really sucked. At first I was nauseous, and now, I am sitting here writing this post, knowing I’m hungry. I’m not nauseous and I know I should eat, but because I’ve gotten used to not eating it is like ten times harder to kick my ass and get food.
Confession, I miss being able to see my ribs stick out, my pelvis bones stick out, and just having my stomach be “inverted” as Ethan and Serena have told me at times. I just told Serena I was going back and she was like, “fun”. Jesus, I don’t know what’s going on between us but we still are not okay. Like dammit! Whatever, we will solve it…eventually.
Praying that everything works itself out!