Yesterday Cody and I were hanging out downtown after he got off work. We went back to his place and chilled for a bit and talked. Cody said, “I really wanna ask you something but I don’t know if it’s too soon….” I played dumb. I kinda knew what he was going to ask me, but I didn’t want him to feel pressured to ask. So the conversation dropped after a while so I figured he was going to wait a little longer to ask.
We went downtown to open mic night for a bit and then to dinner. After dinner he took my hand and said, “You know how I wanted to ask you something earlier?” I nodded. “Do you wanna be my girlfriend?” I can’t remember if I said yes or just kissed him but he knew I wanted it. I honestly was happy. I mean, yeah it seems soon, I can totally admit that but we’ve spent so much time together. I, of course, had my hesitations for saying yes because of past relationships, but I honestly wanted to take the leap since he is a really great guy. I am happy. He was definitely happy with my reaction of not being able to stop smiling. I felt so stupid but happy.
Owen stuff came up a bit later when we were outside the coffee shop with his friends. The memory of Owen asking me to be his girlfriend kept playing over and over and over. It wouldn’t stop. When Owen asked me to be his girlfriend I think it was within the first two weeks and we’d hung out like three times. Plus each hang out was like fooling around with each other so I couldn’t possibly say that I wanted to be his girlfriend because I didn’t.
Cody and I went back to his place and I talked to him and I told him not to feel bad because there was no way I could have foreseen that as a trigger to thinking about Owen. We watched some Criminal Minds and he made this comment that kinda got me upset but it wasn’t too big an issue. We started fooling around and I asked, “What if I wanna try?” and he just looked at me confused. “You know, like sex?” I said spelling it out. I was fucking terrified he was going to say no.
His reaction was interesting. He said that he didn’t want to make me triggered or feel bad and didn’t want to try if I wasn’t ready. I had to explain to him that whether we had sex that night or the next night or a week from now there would always be that chance of me having a bad reaction. He almost said no but we did have sex! I was totally nervous, like way nervous but also comfortable. We took it slow in the beginning. It was good that he went slowly because if he had gone quickly I would have had a bad reaction and that I can say for sure. Because when Owen raped me, he was kissing the left side of my neck passionately and then just entered and thrusted so fast, so I knew that it had to be taken slowly if there was any chance of it going well.
Cody was super respectful the whole time. There were times when I had to tell him to stop and pull out and he listened. Each time I had to stop was either because I started to feel pain or that I was getting emotionally overwhelmed. There was one point where I thought I was nauseous but it passed really quickly. But I caught it each time before I was truly triggered. That made me feel confident that I could stay that in control I guess.
We started with missionary and went to doggy style and well…. second position was very good and I was glad it wasn’t triggering. Once Owen and I did it doggy style and I told him I wanted to be on top and he ignored me and continued to pound into me until he came. Cody was respectful and stopped when I said stop so that really makes me feel like I can trust him in that sense. It wasn’t the longest time I’ve had but that’s fine. In all honesty it probably was good that it didn’t last an hour or so because I, emotionally, would not have been able to handle that much time. The duration of sex was good for the first time. It was just enough to give me a taste of how good it can be when I’m ready to go for longer.
I am super happy that it went well. Afterwards, though Cody was tired, he stayed up to talk to me because he knows that I like talking after sex because I kind of need to process it. That really meant a lot because, in all honesty, it kinda sometimes triggers me when the guy falls asleep right after sex because…well to me it feels like I don’t know, that you know he got what he wanted and then he doesn’t like care to check in on the girl. Like I know that guys and girls experience sex differently. For the most part girls get emotional, or sex is emotional, whereas for guys I’ve heard that it isn’t as emotional… I mean everyone is different. I’ve definitely had emotionless sex (which is the worst kind) but sex is good when you respect and genuinely care about the other person.
Sex has always been confusing for me. I grew up in a middle school where the principal was catholic so for the longest time I thought sex was bad and wasn’t supposed to be done because of the way we were taught about it in our school. Then I got to college and learned that sex wasn’t a bad act. Or, it shouldn’t be.
I guess I like to talk after sex because it makes me feel like I am a person and not just an object to get off too because my whole life before college I believed that I was just an object. Ethan told me that wasn’t true though. That was the first guy who told me I was a person. I remember he told me he liked me for my mind when we met. That was what always reassured me I was a person to him. With the other guys well… I didn’t have that reassurance. I knew they liked my looks…and I had to look perfect. The pressure was ridiculous. I hated comparing myself to other girls and being compared to other girls (such as models). What sucked was when whoever I was dating or was with would openly say that they think some girl is hot when I was right there. It was as if they… I don’t know it just hurt and made me feel like I wasn’t good enough.
I do have to say that I had one good memory of Eric. Though Eric is a fucking prick douchebag dumbass of the century, he knew I had an issue with his porn addiction so he stopped watching porn for me. That was I think the nicest thing he did for me… and I don’t know if that’s sad…but yeah.
Anyways the sex with Cody was really good. I explained to him when he asked me to compare him to my other experiences that there were lots of different types of sex. Sure, I’ve had really meaningful sex with one of my boyfriends, or had a meaningless hot one night stand…. you can get either of those experiences anywhere. What I never had was the respect and caring aspect with sex, and Cody gave that to me last night. That’s why the experience with him was really good. I felt like a person during sex which I often times don’t feel like. Even with Eric, though we had some good times, most often I didn’t feel like a person… I didn’t tell him that though. So, me feeling like a human being and being treated with respect during sex…well damn. That means a lot to me.
In the morning I went home and told my mom about sex and the bf/gf thing. She surprisingly was okay with it. Maybe because I told her about my attached/detached issue from PTSD but I don’t know. I am just glad my mom is finally on board with Cody and me! I told my dad about the bf/gf thing and he said congrats.
Things are slowly turning around for me… it’s strange. Things are good romantically speaking. It kind of is freaking me out because well, for those of you who’ve read all or most of my posts, you know when romance enters the picture things tend to not end up well for me. But I am taking a leap of faith and making progress. I have to learn and be okay with the fact that I can’t control everything.