Yesterday Serena and I hung out for the first time in a bit and we are good. She apologized for her comments but still says I didn’t wait long enough to get in a relationship. I swear she thinks the answer to my problems is to ban guys from my life. That solves nothing. So we hung out and drank some at the bar.
I was having my second drink at the bar and there was this guy was staring at me. I looked away because I was uncomfortable. I look back again and he is still like checking me out. I was seriously not okay with that. Plus I was wearing what I call casual clothes or shit clothes. But Serena said my tank top makes my boobs look good so whatever. Anyways luckily after a while he and his friend left the bar. Like I just genuinely got the creep vibe from him. Like later on in the bar Serena and I talked to some guys and yeah they seemed like assholes, but this guy was watching me down my drinks and for some reason I just got that predator vibe…. totally made me wish I didn’t go to the bar.
Anyways so Serena and I are invited to sit with these guys and they all went to high school with Serena so we sat down and talked. There was this one guy and he seemed like an asshole but he kept talking to me. I personally felt uncomfortable sitting at a table with three guys that I didn’t know in a bar when I was drunk. Especially because two of them sat on each side so I felt trapped. I hate it when I feel trapped. I kinda gave Serena a look that told her I wasn’t okay with this so we left and went to the coffee shop. Cody was there when we walked in and he came over and I think he said I was cute when I was drunk lol.
Serena was taking pics of us and she actually got a cute one of us kissing. So Cody, Serena and I all went back to that bar. Cody wasn’t happy when I told him about that one guy who was talking to me because apparently there’s a bad past there… so yeah. But we went back to the bar. Cody got a drink or two and Serena’s boyfriend met up with us.
We eventually parted ways, and Cody and I went back to my house. He wanted to make sure I was sober before we did anything which was really nice and kind of mandatory. Like I wouldn’t want to do anything if I wasn’t sober. So we made out until I sobered up and then we had sex. Really good sex. Why was it so good? Because I stayed present the entire time. I didn’t have any overwhelming emotions come up, I didn’t have flashbacks, I didn’t have images flash in my head. I was totally present! Like jesus that’s rare. I think that’s only happened once before. But yeah so the sex was good, lasted longer, and I just felt comfortable. It’s strange to say that though. I just wasn’t so worried or caught up in my head about body image issues or any of the PTSD stuff. It was enjoyable and I guess sex is supposed to be enjoyable.
So later on we talked a bit and Cody said like the sweetest things. He said and I quote: “Sex with you isn’t just sex to me, it’s more romantic than that. When I pull you close it’s because it feels so nice to hold you, it’s the mix of that and the pleasure of sex that makes it so romantic.”
Super sweet! Like that makes me feel better about sex hearing that. Like before when I’ve had sex it never felt romantic per se. It always felt lustful, aggressive, or just that they’re horny and they needed to get off… so not really romantic at all. So yeah… but Cody saying that made me feel more comfortable with the idea of having sex and having it not just be ….meaningless(?) or empty(?).
Then this morning I thanked Cody again for being so nice to me and he said that he is just a nice person, but that he’s never been this nice to a person. Like, he said he is so nice to me and he does it to make me happy and doesn’t expect anything in return. Like fucking hell how sweet is that? But I want to make sure he is happy too. He also says I’m amazing and I honestly am so confused because I don’t know what I did or said. He said it was me being me. Well, that’s nice.
After I dropped Cody off at his house I had EMDR about Owen. This session I didn’t cry. Emotions for sure came up. Like so many memories…. Last session it wasn’t all Owen memories. Lots of other people came into it. But today it was mainly all Owen and me memories…. it sucked but again is the process and is needed. It was sad though. I realized a lot in therapy today.
Ever since Peter, Monster, and Owen I’ve definitely changed personality wise. Trauma can do that. I used to never be impulsive and there are times when I am super impulsive. The concept of living came up in the EMDR today. Feeling alive. What I do to feel something, anything. There are days when I feel normal, and attached and present. Then there are days like today when I feel detached. Cold. Empty. After Peter sexually assaulted me my freshman year I started drinking…and partying…a lot. Over the summer before my sophomore year I didn’t care who I hurt or what I did. I was so numb and detached it scared me.
After Monster I started drinking a bit again. After Owen I stayed pretty strong and didn’t drink. But after each assault I coped a bit by identifying with my assaulter. After Peter, I thought of relationships in the same way he thought of them. After Monster I wanted to be cold, detached, sociopathic. After Owen, I want(ed) to drive fast. I still do. I long for that adrenaline rush that I would have when we drove over 100 mph in his car. Of course I look back to how fucking reckless I was after Eric and can’t believe that I didn’t get myself into more trouble than just Owen.
So EMDR today brought up the fact that I need more stimulation at times to feel alive and excited. Back in high school things I did to feel alive were things like being on stage in a play or being on stage singing, playing sports, bowling, etc. Post assaults I party, drink, cut, drive recklessly, and test the limits to feel alive. It’s not healthy and I don’t do much of that anymore. But last night when I was drinking, let me fucking tell you, I had that feeling of being alive. I was excited and nervous. Testing myself. Not sure why…maybe because I knew I would have to deal with the EMDR today and just wanted to pretend things were okay.
But for most of today I’ve felt detached since the EMDR session this morning. I mean, there have been some moments today where I was good, but I keep going back and forth between being attached and grounded to being detached and not there. I think it’s a defense mechanism. I mean, I’ve gone through all this before and it was hard and I know it’s hard now and I know I have to do it. But the days when I do EMDR I hate how off I can feel. Luckily my sister and I are on good terms and earlier today we were laughing like we always do. That was nice. She usually is good at keeping me grounded.
I also went to get blood drawn and an EKG today. That was obnoxious. I hate getting my blood drawn. Damn anorexia!
But I am finally home, having coffee and about to eat. Not sure what the rest of the day has in store for me, but I am just glad all the doctor stuff is over. Hopefully I’ll actually do something fun today!