Pain is a Royal Bitch

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I am not only in physical pain right now but emotional pain. Physical pain from eating. My mom forced me to eat pasta and I had already had pasta for lunch so I really was annoyed and I think I get like bloating or gas pains when I eat too many carbs and my stomach is a bit upset. Took tums though so hopefully it doesn’t get worse.

Emotional pain still from EMDR today… I know I’ve mentioned it already but seriously I am so not myself today. I just don’t know what to do to change it. Owen is in the forefront of my thoughts and it’s not fun. A lot of emotions were brought up today and I know emotions come up from the process but though I didn’t cry in today’s session, today’s session is still with me.

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My mom said she was worried about me. She wanted to hug me or give me a back rub but I didn’t want to be touched. I just am a bit depressed and feeling low about myself. See, the logic part of me knows I am worthy and deserving and good, but the emotional part from the trauma is telling me I am not good enough and that I don’t deserve to have someone like Cody in my life who is so nice to me. It sucks. Feeling like I don’t deserve to be treated nicely. Like I feel like a fraud. I don’t know why though. It just is …. I just am not used to being treated well and it unsettles me. I mean, I should totally be loving it and thankful for the nice treatment and I am. It’s just such a shift.

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Going from a guy who rapes you to going to a guy who respects you. Very different… I don’t know how to shake the feeling of suspicion for being treated so nicely. I feel like it’s all going to disappear or it’s not real and this is just a dream. It seems surreal for me to have found someone like Cody. I get why everyone in my life is suspicious and cautious. Andy threatened Cody the other day when I got wasted at that swimming party. That made me smile because it made me feel cared about by Andy. Of course Cody wants Andy and Quick Silver to think positively of him.

I can understand why Andy threatened Cody though, because he doesn’t know Cody. Andy and Quick Silver were there in the aftermath of Owen. If it weren’t for them I probably wouldn’t be here writing this post. They’ve seen me at my worst and stuck around. I cannot thank them enough for that. I feel lucky to have met them and made friends with them.

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I know I have to figure out how to change the feelings of feeling not worthy or deserving of nice people in my life. Of deserving respect. Deserving to be treated like a human and not trash. I am annoyed at myself for not being able to bounce back I guess. I always feel like I should be better. But I always seem to be struggling. I never give up which is the important part, but there are hard days like today where I just want to either sleep the day away so I don’t have to think or just curl up and hide under my covers and actually let myself feel the painful emotions.

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XOXO Anna

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