I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and suddenly I felt a pain below my chest on the left side and it hurt to breathe in. I used to get these like three years ago back when I first was heading off to college. I stopped getting them after my freshman year. I haven’t had these in like two and a half years.
I only get them at night though. I usually am trying to fall asleep or am asleep and will wake because it hurts to breathe in. I remember getting one during the day only once. And now, it’s 3 in the afternoon and I just got a panic attack. This was really scary because I haven’t gotten them in a while. I mean, a week or so ago I was sleeping with Cody and he was cuddling with me and it reminded me of Owen after he raped me and so I freaked and got the same chest pain I got now only less severe.
Today’s was strong. I can’t really move my body because the pain in my chest will get worse so I have to stay still and try to breathe calmly until the pain goes away. Luckily my mom was near and she came in and helped me cam down. She said she thinks it’s partly anxiety over Cody and anxiety over leaving for school in the fall and going to Florida and starting over. She has said it before, but she said it again that I am more than welcome to stay home and work for her and see if I can go to school part time around here.
I remember the first time I wanted to transfer but chickened out. The top school I wanted to go to was an hour train ride from here and is one of the best criminal justice schools. But I hate the snow… but honestly if I keep getting panic attacks like this and can’t eat, and am not doing well by the end of the summer then maybe I should really think about taking it easy and doing what my mom suggested.
There really is so much anxiety about Florida. On the one hand I really love the classes that are available. On the other hand I feel like I’m not going to fit in socially. Plus its a new place with new people and I know nothing about anything around there. I have no safe people. It’s just all new.
If I were to stay here and work for my mom and somehow do part time school at least I would have people I love around here and know I’m safe. I just…I just figured I had to stay on track. By that, I mean, taking no time off school and heading to a new school and just putting my nose to the grind stone and finish up school and then get a job. No breaks. But my mom is offering me a chance to learn the family business and still go to school and pursue what I like.
I now have a lot of thinking to do about this. Probably won’t make a decision for a while. It’s just a lot to think about and take in.