Last night I was at Cody’s while he played his online games with his friends while I blogged and watched Dexter video’s. I really enjoyed that, just being in the same room even if we are doing different things. It was nice. After he gamed I talked to him. I told him my fears and he said he wasn’t going to just up and leave because of the emotions and be like “nope can’t handle this. Bye.” He said if anything was ever bothering him he would discuss it with me. That sounded really mature. I’ve always been the one in the relationship telling the guy that if anything ever comes up that we talk about it and talk it through and figure out the problem together or compromise of whatever has to be done for the given conversation/situation.
Then Cody was telling me that he hasn’t felt this way for a girl in a long time. He said he really wants to see what comes of this. He said, and I quote, “I think I could see myself falling in love with you. But that takes time.” Like fuck. If you’ve been one of my readers for a while, then you know my thoughts on love and relationships. Though they change sometimes the whole concept of falling in love….well…. Fuck. Love At First Sight is my parents love story and I think that’s one of the only reasons I believe love exists. This is why I swore to myself I’d never love again. It’s a short story I wrote for one of my classes and it basically tells the experience of Monster raping me. When I had to do my monologue for acting, there was also the issue with “I love you”.
I swore that I had posted about my feelings and thoughts on love before but I went through my blog posts and couldn’t find one. I guess I can explain now. I’ve only ever fell in love with two guys. Ethan and Monster. After Ethan and our talk about love I swore I’d never tell a guy I loved him unless the guy said it first. Then I fell in love with Monster. He raped me. I swore I’d never fall in love again, and I know I have no control over that but after Monster telling myself that made me feel more in control. So I always associated love- romantic love- with negativity. I mean, I know from watching my parents what real love is supposed to look like and obviously my experiences were way shitty. I know that I am capable of loving and of being loved one day…
I’ve found that Cody reminds me of the best parts of Ethan. See, last night when I was at Cody’s we just fell asleep together. No sexual stuff. I really loved that. I haven’t had that since Ethan. That’s what I mean when I say Cody reminds me of the best parts of Ethan. Before Peter sexually assaulted me Ethan and I had a pretty decent relationship you could say. Ethan of course had his faults, faults that honestly I knew meant that the relationship wouldn’t last, but there were good memories too. Ethan was the first guy who taught me that I was more than just a sexual object. After Ethan…I was treated only like a sexual object. And now that I’ve met Cody, I feel like I’m treated like a human again. I just am happy…I haven’t been this happy with someone since Ethan. So I am just glad I met someone who treats me with dignity and respect. I couldn’t ask for anything more.
Surely most people are used to being treated nicely, with respect, and dignity, but for me it feels like a gift. I feel like every time Cody is nice to me it’s like christmas day when I open a present. I’m sure that is kind of sad in a way, but until I get used to being treated nicely, that’s what it feels like. A gift.
Also! This morning Cody let me keep his shirt to wear!! Super happy about that. I love it when I can like keep or wear my boyfriends things. It makes me feel close to them or safe. But yeah… just a good start to the day 🙂