Yesterday Cody and I hung out in the evening and we went to some guys house and I had a Monster trigger. I texted Quick Silver and when he didn’t answer I texted Ethan. I tried to ground myself but luckily Quick Silver called. He calmed me down. Ethan also ended up calling me but I was okay by that point. Cody said he wished he could have helped me in that moment but I had never told Cody how he could help if I got triggered.
I did tell him what would be helpful in case I do get a trigger in the future. Cody’s best guy friend is seriously nice. I really like him and he makes me feel comfortable. It’s nice. Cody wants me to get used to hanging out with him and his friends that way I don’t feel so uncomfortable when we all hang in a group setting. I’d like that.
I also told Cody about whether I was going to go to Florida for school or not. I might want to go to NYC instead. I will figure out whether I want to go there or not soon enough I guess.
I have to say I am really happy that Ethan called. I wasn’t sure if I could still rely on Ethan or not. I know we made up and all, but we will never be the same as we were before he made that Monster rape comment.
Also Cody told me a couple days ago he can get jealous and I told him last night that if he ever felt jealous for whatever reason to tell me. I already dealt with Eric and him denying he was jealous only to use that against me later so I don’t want to have to deal with that again. Cody said he was jealous of Quick Silver and Andy because of how close I am to them and that if I struggle I call them or something. I promised Cody I would let him help from now on. Especially since I did explain how he could help if I get triggered.
I guess for me, being in this relationship, I just don’t want to make all the mistakes I’ve made in the past. I know that in the past my boyfriends weren’t happy with me talking about my issues a lot or asking their help and such. I just don’t want Cody to take on my problems because they are my problems and they are for me to handle. But again, it’s nice that he wants to help and I should let him. I need to learn that it’s okay to let him help me.
I guess in this relationship I just am trying to do the right things whatever those are. To me I guess the right thing is to handle everything by myself…but Cody was like, “I took on the responsibility of helping you and being there the moment I became your boyfriend.”
That was nice to hear…I just am not used to this. I mean, yeah Eric said he would be there and shit but he would get so angry at me for talking about Monster. Yeah, Monster raped me, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have really great memories with him. It’s the same with Owen. He raped me but I do have some good memories. That’s really confusing for me, and I know it can be confusing to others.
So later that night Cody and I had sex. Then in the morning we had sex, and then in the shower. It was nice. It felt good and it didn’t hurt. I didn’t really get triggered at all. Plus eye contact always helps me.
Cody said I was amazing again and he again said I was amazing because I’m me. I get so confused with that because I honestly don’t know what I’m doing but he says it’s me just being me. I mean, with all my shitty friendships or boyfriends I am not used to someone thinking so highly of me.
At my old school people had these thoughts about me:
- Crazy Bitch
- Bad Drunk
- Too Emotional
- Too Sensitive
- Gets into Trouble
They didn’t think too highly of me. They thought I was a crazy bitch due to my PTSD along with being too emotional/sensitive. Everyone knew that if I drank when out there was a possibility that they’d have to take care of me because I was trying to forget what happened to me. They thought I was slutty because I like to date and just assumed I slept with every guy I went out with. I hate it when people just make assumptions about you. It makes me sad.
I’ve changed a lot over the past three years, more than I ever thought I could change, and so fast. I take care of myself now and I am oh so fucking cynical and suspicious these days. Totally distrustful of people in general. But then there are times where I feel hope. There are times where I feel like it’s possible to trust again. Times where I feel like I can make friends, good ones.
Cody has had an interesting impact on me I guess you could say. After Owen I honestly gave up on having a normal life. I figured I would only have superficial friends and just date casually and never feel anything again. Kind of sad, I know. But seeing that there are people like Cody out in the world makes me feel…I am not sure what emotion, maybe hope, but the point is I am feeling something. Of course, it’s going to take time for me to trust Cody and be able to not be hesitant to ask for help or something like that, but I am making progress. Plus seeing someone like Cody’s best friend is cool, that’s now two guys that are good people.
I just don’t want to get used to something so good only for it to be taken away. I think that’s why I am so hesitant to trust or just be relaxed at times. Cody though has this effect on me…it’s like whenever I’m around him or hanging out with him I feel comfortable. I feel safe. I feel…okay to be myself. Like, I freaking played Ashley Tisdale songs in his car. I never do that! Yes, I like Ashley Tisdale, deal with it 😛
I think I am starting to get my old confidence back. I feel like I am getting better, slowly. Baby steps is the key to success. I still do try to detach myself at times, it’s a defense mechanism. It’s sad though… I, when with Cody, at times will be repeating in my head, “don’t get used to this. It’s temporary. It’s just sex, it doesn’t mean anything. This is meaningless.” I say that stuff to protect myself from getting hurt. The logic side of me knows that it’s not just sex, it does mean something. I just… I sometimes feel like a deer in headlights. I’m trying to get used to normal and good. I know I will eventually get used to it. It will just take some time.