The title refers to Gossip Girl’s Blair and Chuck. I love you. Three words, eight letters.
Last night, Cody came over and hung out after we went to the beach with his friends, and while watching Short Term 12 (amazing movie by the way, check it out) we talked feelings. I showed him my posts from yesterday, he actually found my blog. He found my blog. I told him now that he does have full access and not the restricted access I did give him, that if he reads any of my posts, like older ones, that he tells me so we can discuss it. This blog is the equivalent to a closet, and the posts are the skeletons. That’s why this is an anonymous blog.
As we talked feelings, over the past couple days he had been hinting. He had said phrases like, “I think I can fall for you” and stuff. Well, last night he said those three words, eight letters to me. “I love you. I’m in love with you Anna.”
My reaction was disbelief, since I am the queen of denial and not letting myself be happy. I was also shocked but under the surface of a possibly faceless expression I was happy. He also said that he had felt that way for a couple days, but didn’t want to say it too soon. I honestly can’t believe it. Again, feels too good to be true. He said it again today when I dropped off his phone at work when I was leaving.
I understand how big a step it is for someone to say those three words, eight letters. I told him, and took a huge fucking leap of faith here, that “I’m definitely falling for you.” I also explained all the reasons I knew I was falling. So here it goes, I admit I’m falling. Ain’t that just fucking great? haha yeah… I guess it might be time for me to break that vow I made to myself.
I, Anna, will allow myself to fall in love again. I allow myself to tell someone I love them when I feel it.
There, a new vow’s been made. I can’t wait for the day when I can actually say it.
Today was also my first day back at treatment. It’s strange. Things have changed. There’s a new nutritionist, who I really like because of how accommodating she is. My favorite therapist is gone and that makes me sad. She did this group on body image one day about Barbie. I honestly loved that group. The girls this time are really nice. I really like them all. I even talked today in group. In Body Image we talked self esteem and positive self esteem and relationships. I admitted what Cody had said to me, I admitted other things that I was feeling and going through with my self esteem. They related. I felt like I wasn’t alone. It was nice.
By the way, I apologize if this post seems very emotionally detached. This morning when writing down emotions before breakfast, I wrote, “Detached-Numb-Anxious”. I also am having issues with eating and pain. I think its gas or abdominal pain but it’s bad. I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow about it. Anyways, I did eat all my breakfast, and couldn’t get through lunch because of the pain.
As I stated earlier, I then dropped Cody’s phone off at work for him and he said those three words, eight letters. It was nice to hear. In treatment, I explained my feelings on it. I talked about how I don’t trust it. Notice my language there, it not him. I don’t trust the feeling not the person. I trust the person. I just…I’ve never been (romantically) loved. It’s hard for me to believe after all the fucked up crap I’ve gone through. But this summer, with therapy, and meeting Cody I’ve made a lot of progress. More than I ever thought I could.
One thing Cody said that meant the world to me was that he saw how strong I was. He thinks I’m strong. I like that. I don’t want to disappoint him. I told him I have my weak moments though. I warned him about my hypomanic-depressive shit. And I’ve been neutral to hypomanic since I met Cody. I was wondering when it would all come crashing down. Well, it did today. I was supposed to have my friends over tonight but they all cancelled, which triggered my depression. I’m definitely in a sad/depressed mood, but also numb and half detached at the same time. I hate this state, it’s uncomfortable. It makes me feel like a completely different person. I don’t feel like Anna. I feel like someone else. I am a person who feels things strongly so when I become this sad numb person it is so out of character.
I also really want to cry. I also want to smash my baseball bat against the mattress in the attic but I don’t have the energy for that. I also can’t cry. I hate when I get this way. It’s like I’m sad, and I want to feel but I can’t. Like I am listening to my Sad/Suicial/Mad playlist and I am still not crying or feeling what I know I am feeling deep down, I just won’t let myself. I hate that.
I’m supposed to hang with Cody later and go to his best friends girlfriends house for a bonfire or something. I said I would go, but my mood is taking it’s toll on me. Plus I haven’t eaten dinner…I have to fucking stupidly eat dinner. I can’t skip. I need the nutritionist to see I am trying. I need to be on her good side so when tough meals come along she will be more lenient. I feel fucked.
First day always was the hardest for me. Plus my stomach pains are still half way there and I don’t want to eat if it means I’m going to be in pain again. I am so angry at the situation. I feel like I have no control, which in turn, makes me restrict so I have a sense of control. Trust me I psychoanalyze myself all the fucking time. I know what to do, I know what I am doing, and I know to kick my ass when I have the energy and confidence to do so.
But as I said, I’m having a weak day. I am having a low day. I am having a day that I wouldn’t want Cody to know about or to witness. He says those three words, eight letters to me, but he hasn’t seen me in this depressed state. Fear. That emotion has been a constant emotion I’ve been dealing with lately. Rationally I know how fucking irrational it is to think that just because a person has a bad day it means people bail. I know. But emotionally I can’t get over the irrational fear.
Hoping that my mood switches before Cody gets here…