Tonight Cody and I are going to his friends birthday party. I totally wanna go. I just have anxiety over wearing a bathing suit now that I am not supposed to restrict. I ate everything I was supposed to for breakfast this morning. Lunch, I did an okay job with. But now that I have been reminded of the party, I am anxious about eating later. Plus I have to find my bathing suit, I can’t remember where I put it.
I don’t know what to do. I mean, in treatment the girls had lots of suggestions, but I am just nervous. I don’t know. Cody says he wants to get drunk tonight so I’m the driver. I’ve never seen Cody drunk so this will be telling. In all honesty I am worried about my urges to drink. I’ve been getting a little too used to drinking as regularly as I have been. So yeah, I wanna go to the party tonight because people will be there and I’m sure I’ll have a great time. But…wearing a bathing suit right as I’ve started treatment? Can I say fuck me royally?
I know this is terrible to write or say, but I think I’ll take it easy on food later… I’ll still eat, but I am not sure if I’ll be able to do my best. I guess I’ll just see when I put the suit on and see how much I hate myself for it. I think it will be okay, but last time we went to her house to swim I was restricting, so just irrational anorexia thoughts are happening. I’ll deal though.