Last night Cody and I went to his friends birthday party. We sat in the hot tub, talked to his friends had a great time. Cody took a hit off his friends cigarette which was an issue for me. He apologized and said he wouldn’t do it again. I am a very tolerant person, as you can guess with the shit I’ve put up with in the past, but smoking crosses the line for me. We made up quickly, because in all honesty it was so hard for me to be upset with him.
So later we all played a game of pool. His best friend and I talked and I told him what Cody said to me. His friend assured me that if Cody said he loved me then he meant it. I told his friend that I was going to wait until this date we had in the works to tell Cody that I love him. His friend promised to keep his mouth shut. Yes, you read that right. I love Cody. I love him, and knowing that, and feeling it…I just want to scream it. There’s so much relief and peace in knowing that I do love him and that I can admit it and feel it again. It shows me I am still human and capable of caring that deeply for a person.
I love Cody. I can write it a thousand times on here and it wouldn’t be enough for me.
Anyways, so Cody and I went home and he was saying all these romantic and sweet things to me in the car. It was so sweet I almost cried. When we got in my house and went to my bed room Cody started teasing me and I mentioned my past and how Eric would tease me to the point where I would just cave and stuff. Cody asked if he was doing that and I got shy. He got of immediately and just laid next to me. That act, that act of respecting me as a person was …amazing. I started to cry, and then I cried because of how sad I was that Eric had teased me to the point of me just giving in because I couldn’t take it anymore, not that I wanted to sleep with him. It hurt to think that Eric was so…bad to me. I never while I was with him thought it was bad. Sure I was annoyed and frustrated that he did that, but I never knew how disrespectful it was for him to do that to me, let alone how selfish it was.
Cody was amazing. He held me, said everything was okay, wiped away my tears and wiped my nose and just…took care of me. That was when I realized how much I actually do love him. I am the queen of denial and yesterdays posts…I was trying to convince myself I wasn’t there yet. I didn’t want to be but after last night… I knew I was there and I couldn’t deny it anymore.
When I turned off the lights to go to bed and Cody said, “Goodnight, I love you,” I replied with, “I love you too.” Cody sat up and was like, “What did you just say?” I replied, “I love you too.” Cody’s reaction was priceless. He got so giddy and happy and just had this childlike innocence to him after I said it. I didn’t realize how happy he would be when I said it.
I just…I am so happy. I am happy that I have the capability to love again. I know it’s been a short time, but since we’ve spent every day together for the past three weeks, I’ve gotten to know him. The more I get to know the more I love him and care. I honestly feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have met him and have him love me. It’s honestly probably the greatest gift in the world. I feel like it’s christmas everyday when I’m with him. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Even with Ethan or Monster, I didn’t have this exact feeling. Sure I loved them, but not like this. This is much different. Much better. More meaningful and real. Not to say my feelings weren’t real for the other two, but because of the respect Cody gives me, and the fact that I feel like an equal, it makes it ….more… strong.
I love Cody. I love him. I never thought I’d be able to tell someone that again, but I just can’t help but love him. I spent the first two weeks trying to not feel much, but this past week has been amazing and last night was… it showed me how much Cody cared. I mean, while I was crying and explaining all the bad things that past guys did to me, he teared up. That showed me how much he must care and love me. That’s when I knew I couldn’t not say it. I couldn’t wait. I had to tell him or I’d explode.
I am a little tipsy while writing this, but everything I’ve written here is true. Plus, they say words spoken when drunk is the truth revealed. But seriously, I love him. I don’t know what I did to deserve someone so amazing and good in my life, but I am just so grateful I met him and have him in my life. He has set some very high standards. Standards I probably should have had the whole time, but I guess I didn’t think I deserved it. Now I know I deserve to be treated with respect. Cody has shown me that. I have learned so much from him in these past three weeks. I’ve learned things I could never learn with just therapy. Though he isn’t the classic intellectual, he has taught me so much and still I have so much to learn from him. That’s one thing I really love, is that he can teach me so much. I always love when I can learn from another person.
I love Cody. I really do. I am so proud of myself that I am capable of saying it and feeling it. This is amazing progress for me.