Last night Cody and I hung out with Serena and some friends. We drank had fun. When Cody and I got home, I was very in the mood, very drunk, and I knew I possibly could be triggered. I didn’t stop though because I wanted to have sex with him. Cody knew I was drunk but continued anyways. We were having sex and suddenly I was in a flashback. I was first with Monster. I thought I was in Monster’s room with him, but then I thought I was in Owen’s room with Owen and Beau. Cody just witnessed a flashback for the first time.
I feel like shit because I haven’t had a flashback like that in months. I feel like shit because Cody feels like shit. Cody feels like shit because he knew he shouldn’t have started to have sex with me. I feel like shit because I teased him. We both made mistakes last night.
I told him I needed time off from sex. I said I had no idea how long that would be, that it could be a week or more, and he was fine with that. I just need some space, sexually speaking, until last night blows over. Like, I know we both made mistakes, but I still don’t feel good about last night.
Ethan always told me, that if I test people they will eventually fail. Cody admitted to failing last night. He feels bad because he says he is the one who is supposed to protect me and keep me safe and all that, and then we ended up having sex when we both knew we shouldn’t. Cody told me that would never happen again, you know having sex while drunk.
Feelings wise, nothing has changed for either of us. We still love each other. I just am still trying to process last night. Come to terms with it, I guess. It’s just that I was a royal fucking dumbass because having sex while intoxicated…I mean, what the fuck was I thinking?! I knew it would trigger me or feel rape-y. Yet, I was so in the mood and …I feel like a fuck up. Hopefully the not having sex with Cody for a while will help things…
Cody has ben amazing to me. I really love the time we’ve spent together. We have fun with each other and we have things in common. I really do love Cody. I care about him so freaking much it’s not even funny. I haven’t felt this way in years. It’s a crazy thing to love someone…