Last night Serena and I hung out. We went to our favorite bar to grab drinks and talk. When I went to pick her up from her house she started talking about Cody. Our night was just beginning and it already was starting on a bad note.
She said that July 4th, that night that we all hung out, she and her boyfriend and friend, who we’ll call Brian, all commented on how Cody was possessive of me. I really hated hearing that. Not because I believe Cody is possessive, but because it meant she didn’t like him. As everyone knows, what my friends and family think of who I am dating is important to me.
Back at my old school, before I dated someone I asked my friends what they thought of the guy and if my friends didn’t like the guy, then I listened. I figured with my shitty judgment that I should listen to my friends judgment, because they seem to be better at it. Probably because they are not involved in the situation. For me, judgment does tend to go out the window when I’m interested in someone. Hence why, I started to take things slow with guys. Or try to.
Serena mentioned that Cody, when I was standing, told me to sit down because I was drunk. Which, on July 4th I was fucking gone. Serena said she knew I was perfectly capable of standing and talking with her bf and Brian, but that Cody just took me to sit down. She also mentioned that when we went to the diner after that, I was about to sit down and Cody said to sit in a different seat and I listened. I didn’t see that as a big deal. I know that Cody wasn’t trying to be possessive or controlling. Serena just tends to be very judgmental or critical. But the fact that she wasn’t the only one who took note of the behavior is the part that caught my attention.
I don’t like that they think that Cody is possessive. He isn’t. Maybe he can be jealous at times, or… I don’t know if insecure is the right word, but everyone gets jealous! Everyone! Serena pointed out that it’s the way people handle jealousy that is the issue. She noted that the way I handle my jealousy is good. I do try to be good about that, though. I know Cody gets jealous, but I do too! I really do, but I try to keep it in check and remind myself that my jealousy is irrational, or it’s coming from my past. It’s not about him, it’s about me. My issues with jealousy come from my own insecurities or worries. Jealousy really can be a fucking monster.
I am a jealous person. Many people know that. I honestly used to not be able to handle jealousy very well. Ethan knows that better than anyone. But as time went on and I had more experiences, I learned to contain my jealousy. I learned that most times jealousy was just irrational in the situation. Now that may not stop the jealousy, but it puts it into perspective, and that relieves me. With Cody, there is a girl I was jealous of, just a bit. I talked to Cody about it though, and he assured me there was nothing to worry about, which I logically knew already, but I had to hear that so my emotions could line up with my logic.
If I am jealous of a person the best thing to do is to get to know them, and realize that there is no threat whatsoever. I think it helps because I feel like sometimes jealousy comes from not knowing.
Anyways, Serena and I went to the bar and had drinks and talked. I told her Cody was going out of town to LARP next weekend and I would be free. I think me, her, and Brian are hopefully all going to hang out and go to bars or something that weekend. She didn’t want her bf there and neither does Brian. Apparently the bf is being an asshole as of late, which I can agree with.
I did try to explain to Serena where Cody was coming from, and she understood, she just said she wishes he would handle it differently or that I wouldn’t just do as he says. I never thought about that though, the fact that I do just listen to whatever someone tells me to do. It’s always been a problem for me though. I’ll definitely be more aware. I mean, if I ever had a problem with something Cody said or did I would say it because why not, right? First off, I always say communication is key in relationships, and with that said, if there’s anything ever up, then the mature and responsible thing is to talk about it.
I told Cody he could join Serena and I at the bar after he got off work. I had had three drinks by the time Cody arrived and there was a band playing and we listened to that for a while. We then went to Serena’s friends house for a bit and then we all went to a gay bar to meet up with Cody’s friends.
The gay bar was so much fun! Let me tell you I haven’t had that much fun in months! I love to dance, it’s just a fact. It’s fun, and there’s just something about it. So me and Cody’s friends hit the dance floor and it was such a blast! Cody doesn’t dance… so that kinda sucks, but at least his friends danced! Plus there was a stripper pole and one of Cody’s friends kinda threw me onto it and well that was an interesting experience. Honestly it was really fun and kinda sexy. I only wish I had been wearing something sexy! But later in the night, I find out that Cody puked earlier. Cody didn’t tell me. I was pissed. If I had known he was sick earlier I would have left the club, make sure Cody was okay, and we would have gone home and relaxed. He said he didn’t tell me because he said I was having so much fun that he didn’t want to ruin the night. I can understand his point of view, of course, but I told him to put himself in my shoes and his response was that I wouldn’t have puked without him knowing. I was annoyed at that, but let it go. It made me feel like I should have known, ya know?
We went home and talked and had sex and went to bed. When talking he mentioned that July 4th, that he said that Brian was flirting with me, and I told him Brian was way over me. Cody forgot that I told him that Brian had a thing for me back after freshman year of college. I felt bad because he wasn’t happy about that. But Brian and I were literally nothing. Probably the equivalent to what he and that girl I was jealous of. I think all Cody and she did was kiss.
In the morning he drove me back to my car and I went home before heading out to brunch at the diner that Cody and I always go to for breakfast. I invited my dad, but he had to go pick my mom up at the airport.
I am glad I went to the diner though, it means I am eating on my own, without someone to nag me to eat or sit down with me to eat. When things all went to shit this past fall, I was on my own. I had no one really to hang out with. It was at that time where I was my most independent. I hate being alone or on my own at times, but I learned to actually like it. Once Quick Silver and Andy and I became friends I wasn’t on my own as much. But I guess what I am saying is that going to the diner on my own today is a good thing. It reminds me that it’s okay to go out alone.
I remember that Quick Silver and I once were talking about movies and he said that one of his favorite things to do was to get a sandwich, sneak it into the movies, and watch a movie by himself. I was shocked. I hate going to the movies by myself. I honestly admired that quality in Quick Silver. I have so much social anxiety that sometimes I just can’t go out by myself and it sucks. The other day I had a huge amount of anxiety and it really made my day rough. Today, however, I am comfortable and relaxed sitting in the diner by myself. I think I’m the only one in here that is alone. I am surrounded by families or groups of friends.
I know this is a long post, and if you’ve gotten this far then yay! There’s just been a lot on my mind as of late, especially with how my moods have been swinging from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. It’s been emotionally exhausting. I hate it. I get so angry when I get low because I remind myself that the low is either irrational, or not as bad as it seems. I try to fight emotions with logic…which doesn’t always work out. I know that for me, being in a relationship can definitely send my moods to some extremes. It sucks, but I try my best to deal with it.
But speaking of relationships and moods, I feel … like we are making progress, hence why my emotions are more…volatile as my mom would put it. The fact that my emotions are a bit up and down, or the fact that I want to pull away a bit, tells me that I am making progress and the relationship is still moving forward. I wouldn’t describe myself as someone who has commitment issues but when things get real I get scared. It’s that cycle I mentioned in a post a while ago. I feel like I’m going through it again right now.
All I can do is try to remain logical, and relax. Not let my emotions and fears get the better of me. Writing about it is helping, so that’s good. I tend to process things when I write or talk to someone. But, since I don’t have someone to talk to, that’s why this post is so long, because I am processing all of this.
Also! I got a letter from Florida and it is my class schedule, if I go there. Still trying to apply to New York, so praying I get in. But if I did go to Florida my class schedule sucks. Classes look pretty damn fucking awesome, but not happy about the times. As someone with an eating disorder and having back to back classes until like three in the afternoon is bullshit.
My sunday has started off pretty well, aside from the fact that I know that Cody isn’t happy he is working today. Sundays are his day, like he loves Sunday and loves to go get brunch and relax. So knowing he isn’t that happy makes me a bit down. But aside from that, my Sunday seems to be going well. I hope you guys all have a wonderful Sunday!