In my room I have one of those fake books. I have all these secret letters and notes that I’ve written over the years. I was downstairs in the kitchen with my mom, drinking a celebratory glass of Proseco, when she pulled out a note and I recognized it. It wasn’t a suicide note, per se, but a goodbye note in case anything happened to me. It’s dated 12/17/13. I remember writing it.
I thought that I’d gotten rid of all goodbye/suicide notes because Eric told me to get rid of them all because it wasn’t good to have around. I just went back to my secret book and found the second draft of the letter that my mom had found. She found the first draft, and yes I’ve written multiple drafts before to get it right. I mean, if I was writing a goodbye letter I had to make sure I didn’t leave anything out.
Reading it makes me sad. I wrote to my sister, “What can I say…Thank you. Thank you for being there when no one else was. You are the reason I keep going. So thank you for being so un-judgmental and loving. I couldn’t have asked for a better sister. I love you with ever fiber in my bone.”
I wrote this letter before I admitted what Monster had done to me and it makes me sad to see what I wrote to him. To know that I was trying so hard to stay in denial really makes me sad.
I did get rid of the suicide letters for sure. But then again, there is a suicide letter on my computer. It was written for a class assignment. I originally wrote it when things were really bad with Ethan over the past year. I changed things of course and made it fictional for my assignment but it was inspired from true feelings. My teacher loved that I chose to write a letter for the word count. We could only write up to 500 words and a letter was a good way to meet that requirement he said.
Looking through my secret letters it’s kind of funny. Some are about how frustrated I was with Ethan during our relationship. I swear there are so many “fucks” in the letter I can’t believe I got a sentence out. I also found a note that I wrote when Ethan and I were first getting together and all my worries and Ethan’s friend Dean (who I’ve mentioned before, and that we have a rocky history) helped me that night to fight my irrational thoughts.
I also found a note from my first kiss! It’s dated November 29th, 2008. Reading it was really funny to see how nervous I was. I remember my first kiss and I am so annoyed with it. I wish I hadn’t been so nervous or just wish it hadn’t been on a dare in front of everyone. I really liked this guy too, but I didn’t want him to know. Then I had to kiss one of the other guys that night, that I had had a crush on in the past, and I described it as kissing a stuffed animal. It’s cute to read some of these notes and see the innocence I used to have.
I also found a note to this guy I met in Australia. We still Skype every couple of months, which is awesome. It’s been like five years and we still talk! Speaking of which, I need to Skype him soon so I can update him on all of the things that have happened!
In all honesty, I kind of wish I didn’t throw those suicide notes away. It expressed all my pain once I realized what Monster did to me. I do have my journals though, and damn. I’ve tried to go back and read those and it’s really hard. I mean, I am a very sentimental person and also with the PTSD and trauma my memory isn’t too sharp. I like to occasionally refresh my memory of how I felt or what I was going through.
I might just skim through my journals… I kind of want to know what I wrote about Monster once I realized what he had done.