I don’t even know how to start this post. There’s so many emotions going on right now. Cody and I just had sex. Like really amazing sex, not that it isn’t always that good, but there was just something about tonight. I’m scared. Like totally freaked out.
I’ve only felt this once before. It was with Monster when I lost my virginity. I’m not going to talk about that but yeah.
Cody is right next to me right now, falling asleep. I am freaking out. I want to cry, but not because I’m sad. I mean, I’ve cried after, before, during sex because of my PTSD stuff. I’ve only ever cried once after sex because of the emotions I felt. That was Monster.
I feel something so very similar to that night it scares me. Even while Cody and I were having sex I could feel the emotions, I was half way scared I was going to start crying during sex. Again, not because of anything bad.
I want to just hold Cody right now, tightly, and never let go.
Maybe I am feeling this way because I did in fact go and re-read some of my journals.
But I am overwhelmed with emotion right now. Of course, if someone looked at me they would think I am in a calm and emotionless state. I am anything but.
It scares me how good it was tonight. I am scared out of my fucking mind. I am not sure how to deal with these emotions.
I remember losing my virginity and crying after and all that Monster did to assure/comfort me.
I haven’t felt this since Monster and that is what is scaring the living daylights out of me. Feelings are scary as fuck and I am scared. I know I’ve probably written the word scared at least twenty times in this post but I am. I don’t know what to do with these emotions or how to sit with them. I am at a loss right now.
I feel so much that I am kind of numbing myself. That’s how I know it’s like really real. I am trying really hard not to cry. I am trying hard not to show emotion and feel right now. It’s very difficult. I don’t know what to do. I don’t… I just… I am at a loss for words right now.
Right now, love is scary. Love is wonderful and amazing as I’ve stated in other posts. At this moment though, love is scary. It’s scary for obvious reasons.
Kind of in a very strange state right now and am just trying to figure out how to just sit with all these overwhelming and scary emotions.