Negativity and a Half Way Fun Night


Fuck everyone right now. The negativity is drowning and suffocating me. Last night one of my friends from my old life, who we’ll call Gabby, came from NYC to visit me. We went out to a Japanese restaurant that I love! I ate though before she got there, so I didn’t eat at the restaurant. We talked a lot. Ethan was a hot topic of conversation. More like, Ethan and me. I had just had this conversation with my mom and I was a bit annoyed. 


Gabby thinks in 10 years Ethan and I would still be a possibility. I laughed. She says there’s always that possibility because nothing is set in stone right now. She also told me that Spring Quarter he was dating this tinder girl who was my exact look alike. She said something subconscious had to be going on there, because she and Dean both mentioned it to him and he didn’t even realize it. I thought that was funny!

Eric has been dumped by Ethan, Gabby, and Dean and the gang. That makes me happy! Also Eric’s life has gone downhill which makes me oh so fucking happy! He deserves shit! Sorry, a bit of anger coming out. But Gabby was telling me about the fact that she thinks that Cody and I won’t last. I was pissed…to say the least. I was telling her all about him, and how he said I love you and how he thinks longterm with me and she was like, “I give it six months.”

I was not happy. I was trying to remain calm. “So did you and Ethan and Dean all bet on Cody and I like you did with Eric?”


They didn’t bet, but they all were shitting on Cody. They all said I could do better which angered me… I was very angry. Like… it just was bad. I took Gabby’s phone from her when she was texting Ethan about Cody and stuff, and I like told Ethan off. Ethan replied with he wasn’t shitting on Cody but just made a comment. Like, Gabby told Ethan that my mom was saying how she thinks Ethan and I aren’t like over. I was so angry that she told Ethan that! Totally humiliated beyond belief because we are and I don’t want Ethan thinking about all that. Gabby also told Ethan that Cody is the nicest guy I’ve met since Ethan, and that Cody is good for me. Ethan was glad to be remembered as the nice guy and not a push over.


Gabby and I also talked about Ethan and my relationship and how if Peter, the guy who sexually assaulted me, didn’t happen, Ethan and I could have still been together. I am not so sure about that though. With everything I’ve been through, I realize that yes, Ethan was a good guy, but I wouldn’t be able to be with him like that. Ethan is way better as a friend. Romantically he…has a lot to learn and can’t meet my emotional needs. Even as a friend sometimes Ethan can’t meet the emotional need. It’s nothing against him, it’s just Ethan is like Dexter. Emotionally challenged.


But then Gabby and I went to the bar, and we ran into one of Cody’s friends on the way and he said he was going to join us in a bit. Gabby and I continued talking. I kept defending Cody. We then went to the coffee shop and chilled until Serena was going to get there. I invited Brian to join also. Figured the more people the better.

But as we left the bar to go to the coffee shop there were these two guys outside and we were just walking and then one of them is following us and getting our attention. He tries to ask where the good locations around here are for fun. I said the bar we were just at and two other places. He then proceeded to ask for our numbers, and wanted to know what we were doing and join us. I was totally fucking creeped out. Terrified. The guy, noticing we didn’t really know how to respond asked if Gabby and I were together, which Gabby jumped on and said we were a couple. The guy apologized and told Gabby she had a gorgeous girlfriend.

This is the second time Gabby and I have had to pretend we are a couple. The first time was back at school at this bar. I was underage at the time, and we got in. There was this way older guy, maybe Owen’s age. I think he had to be thirty. Anyways, so he talks to me, and offers to get me a drink in exchange for a dance. I agree. Gabby is still on the dance floor and I’m at the bar with the guy. He gets me a drink and he starts talking to me and wanting to dance. Gabby comes over and grabs my hand and pulls me away. We went to the other side of the place and Gabby was like, “I was just talking to that girl over there. She’s an undercover cop and told me to get you away from that guy because there have been guys going here and spiking girls drinks. I told her we were a couple. So just let’s dance and stay away from those guys over there.”

Whenever Gabby and I hang out I never get into trouble. That’s always nice, so it was cool knowing that she was there last night and I felt confident nothing bad would happen to us.


But we went back to the bar and those creepy guys were there and we got our drinks and sat with Serena and her friend. Brian didn’t know where the bar was so I told him I’d meet him at the coffee shop when he got there. So the conversation consisted of more shitting on Cody. I was fuming at this point. I couldn’t believe how fucking bullshit the night started. I was texting Cody’s best friend and telling him I just needed to talk to him once we got to the gay bar later. Serena was telling Gabby how controlling and possessive Cody was. Serena hates the fact that Cody just takes my phone to look at a conversation I’m having or brought up old stuff. Cody and I have an agreement that if either one of us is jealous or uncomfortable that we can look at the conversation. I don’t mind that Cody takes my phone to look at the conversation. I want to let him know there’s nothing to hide, and that everything is okay.


Serena is just so not into Cody and I. Her friend even was jumping in and commenting. Gabby was commenting. I was pissed. I was defending Cody, telling them that I’ve talked to him about the jealousy thing and we are handling it. They weren’t satisfied. Luckily Brian texted me so I said I had to go get him.


I saw Brian outside the coffee shop and told him how shitty my nights been and Brian was saying sorry and that he can’t speak about Cody because he’s only spent time with him twice. See! That’s what you’re supposed to say! Hold judgements until you get to know a person! For fucks sake.


We get back to the bar, continue drinking and then we all head over to the gay bar. I see all of Cody’s friends and great them and make small talk. We go inside and Serena wants us to do shots. I did two shots of fireball within five minutes. Then later I got another. We all hit the dance floor. Cody’s best friend got there. I mentioned the jealousy thing and he assured me it would blow over with time, which I already figured. But yeah, so Cody’s best friend and I danced and Serena made a comment to me once we were all outside taking a breather.

“Dude, he was handsy with you,” Serena said.

“Um, he is Cody’s best friend, the only guy Cody trusts. Just because me and him danced, and he put his hands on my hips, doesn’t mean shit. Again, only reason I’m dancing with him is because that is the only guy Cody trusts,” I explained.


Serena didn’t like it. She also commented on my outfit earlier in the night and was like, “I’ve never seen you wear such little clothing, you’re not wearing anything.”

That made me feel shitty and slutty. I hate that. I, since my old life, haven’t had the confidence to dress up like that. Owen kind of took that away from me. I was happy that I had my confidence back in how fucking awesome I look. She made me feel like crap about that…


But yeah Serena royally pissed me the fuck off last night. Like I am so fucking pissed. She can’t comment on Cody and my relationship. It’s not her place. It’s between Cody and I. Me and Cody are handling things. Yes Cody gets jealous, who the fuck doesn’t???? Like seriously! Just because him reading my conversations occasionally makes her uncomfortable doesn’t mean it makes me uncomfortable. Again, Cody and I made an agreement. If Cody was taking my phone without that agreement, then yeah, I’d be pissed and take note of that. But we have an agreement, so there’s not a fucking problem.


Serena was also shitting on how Cody said that he loves me and she was like “it’s too short a time” and bullshit like that. I haven’t told her I love him too because I don’t need to get verbally attacked too. It’s just not positive or helpful at all.


But once we were all at the gay bar, I did have fun dancing my sexy ass off on that pole. Cody’s best friend was also dancing on the pole which was so funny. But seriously we all had fun. Serena is just… I don’t know. I told my mom about it and she was like, “Serena is becoming toxic for you.”


That sucks to hear, but again, like she is totally out of line. Also my mom was telling me to ignore all my friends because she was like, “Listen to Cody’s friends. They are the ones who really know him. They all tell you that they haven’t seen him this happy, and that you two are good. Listen to them, not your friends who barely know Cody.”

That was nice to hear. Finally something positive! But just… I’m angry. Angry that people aren’t having faith in Cody and me as a couple. I am doing my best to have faith and it’s hard when people are telling you otherwise.

Also now I know how Captain America must have felt when he was with me. See, when we were together, all his friends hated me. So I get now how he must have felt and it’s shitty.


But seriously, as Debra once said, “What the fuck is going on today?” I am serious like what the fucking hell is going on with everyone?! Like why are they bringing up Ethan and me? Like why?!?!?! It’s been over for two and a half to three years for fucks sake! I am just pissed that Gabby, every time we talk about Ethan, she’s like, “You never know. Ten years down the line you two could work.” Like no! Fuck that for fucks sake Jesus fucking fuck! Sorry I just…Ethan can be a sensitive topic to say the fucking least for me. Our history is quite… complicated. Like Gabby, Ethan, and the gang, I love them all and miss them. I honestly am so sad that I’m not going to be back at my old school just for the fact that I won’t be seeing them everyday.


But honestly, my mom and Gabby need to drop their delusional thoughts on Ethan and me. Like don’t they get how badly Ethan hurt me? That’s not even including Ethan questioning whether Monster raped me. I’m just talking about the god damn fucking break up! I know that Peter fucked Ethan up mentally. I get that Ethan couldn’t get past that, but for fucks sake it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t like one of the worst and most painful times in my life. I would NEVER get back together with Ethan, ever! Like there’s too much history. How do I forgive Ethan for some of the things? I can’t. I don’t think of Ethan in that way. It sucks that others just can’t get over it. Like seriously move on because I moved on like a hell of a while ago bitches.


I just want it to be tomorrow afternoon so Cody is back. I just want to hug him. I know, lame, but I just want to be with him and cuddle or something…I just want some fucking positivity. Cody has been amazing. I don’t see where all the hate is coming from. Without Cody I would still be housebound, scared of every guy I see, having no hope for my future,  still being heartless and super cynical, and just not moving forward. I’d be stuck in the past with Owen. Cody has been amazing. He makes me happy, and he makes me feel safe, and he makes me feel loved! I haven’t had those in the longest time and I am so fucking thankful to have him in my life, so those haters out there can go fuck themselves.

Sorry for the long post, but I NEEDED to vent! I have no one to talk to about this since most people are being shit heads right now.



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