I don’t know if my last post sounded like I was fine, because I’m not. I went to shower after I posted and I just kinda cried a lot in the shower. Maybe PTSD stuff. I felt as if Owen had just happened. The amount of fear I felt and kinda still do feel is unnerving. I am super anxious right now, my mom made me take this homeopathic thing to relax. I am so not okay. Like fucking hell I’m feeling so scared.
My dad analyzed my dream and said, “You’re dream is telling you that if you don’t continue to face the Owen memories you will be married to them and never move on.”
It makes sense. Next therapy session I have I’ll tell her we are going to do EMDR. It’s true, I knew I should be doing it lately, but was just kind of happy I wasn’t having to face all the memories, but this fucking dream makes me realize I do have to get back to EMDR.
The worst part of all this is that I felt like I lost all the progress I just made. I feel scared to leave my house again. I feel scared to be intimate (physically speaking). I feel scared of just everything. I’m sure by the end of today it will pass, but right now I feel like a failure. I also kinda feel alone, even though my dad and mom are here. Like I am so mad because I wanted to self harm SO badly… That’s how bad my dream affected me. I was really debating on whether or not to go find a safety pin in my moms closet because she has them in her sowing box. I knew if I did, Quick Silver would be seriously disappointed in me, and Cody would too. So I stayed strong, but still… the last hour or so was fucking torture in my mind.
Not a good sunday…