Yesterday we had Multi-Family group at treatment. Cody went again, and I am so happy he did! The things that were mentioned in that group were things that I am glad Cody was able to be there to hear. We talked about a lot of different topics, but I am glad that certain girls mentioned some things about what it’s like in our heads and our thought processes. One girl mentioned the whole thigh gap thing. I personally wasn’t as interested in that topic because I already knew that it is genetics that allow one to have one or not, and I’ve pretty come come to accept that. What interested me was that one girl, who is awesome, mentioned what it’s like to walk down the street and pass girls.
We all agreed that we compare. We will judge. We will be mean. Our thoughts can either be of jealousy, or they can be putting the girl down. I am not proud that I think like that at times, but at the same time, we all think of other girls as competition. Competition was a huge theme that was talked about. We are all very competitive people and we talked about healthy competition versus unhealthy competition.
We also talked about the fact that all of us tend to not have girl friends because, let’s all be honest here, girls can be catty bitches at times. Girls can be ruthless and mean. I grew up living Mean Girls. There’s a reason I stay clear of girls. I don’t want to be put down. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to have to change to fit in. I rather be with a group of guys who accept me for me.
Later in the evening Cody and I went out for food. I was drinking because I wanted to. I wasn’t sure if I would remember all the sweet things that were said. Cody ended up writing what he said in a note on my phone and this is what he wrote. P.S. made names of his friends into first initial to keep anonymous:
You had such a good time with my friends while I was LARPing and I wanted you to know that that was because they aren’t just my friends. They are now your friends too. They really do like having you around and they are genuinely your friends. I know that Quick Silver and Andy would do anything for you but they are in GA, but while you’re here you have a fucking army of great friends who would always protect you for me. J, M, A, R, F, S, and all my friends you’ve met really do like you and should make you feel safe whenever you’re with them. J alone could protect you from anyone who tries anything on you. But the most important thing is that they are also you’re friends as well as mine and they really do enjoy you hanging out with them. You know that cause they asked you to hangout even though I was not there.
At Fin, we were talking about psych stuff. I was telling you how I think of you. When I think if you, your personality and who you are and your problems are two completely different and separable things. When I think of you and why I love you so much, your problems don’t even come to mind. I love you for who you are. Your problems do effect who you are but it damn well doesn’t mean that is who you are. Experience is the best teacher and with everything you’ve experienced, you have taken so much from it. That’s what makes you so strong. As much as it affects you, you look at it from a 3rd person view and take from it the lessons you need to grow. You learn from everything you’ve been through and that’s how you have become so intelligent about what’s going on and why you’re so strong. You were very impressed by the way I thought because we think in very similar ways. I explained how even though I say bad things about Ethan, I do realize that it is bad and that being this jealous of the guy who has been the best relationship you’ve had before me but how my irrationality has taken over but how I at least realize that it is happening.
How fucking sweet is this??
But yeah, it was nice to read that and for him to tell me again this morning. I’ve never had anyone in my life since college started that saw me and my problems as separate. I love that Cody sees that I am not what happened to me. That means the world. I mean, I’m sure Quick Silver and Andy didn’t think like that, but I just…Ethan and all my old friends, they for sure just saw me as my problems, at least that’s the vibe I got.
Anyways, having a good day so far. Had breakfast with Cody. I’m going to take Luvas to the vet to get his paw checked out because he won’t walk on it and then I might go hiking with one of the girls from treatment. Later Cody and I will go to open mic night and then maybe Karaoke at the bar.
Hope everyone’s having a good day 🙂