Yesterday was a terrible body image day. I tried on shorts and couldn’t stand myself in them. I also had ice cream after me and one of the girls from treatment went for a walk. I felt bad about it later. I also just had other body image things going on.
Cody and I hung out later that day and went to open mic night. We saw his friends and hung out. I was supposed to get dinner but didn’t. I called Ethan because I was struggling with a lot. I was already feeling like crap because of my body image issues. Like I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. Also the girl I can get jealous of was there and there were things that kinda just made the jealousy come up. Like I know that my jealousy isn’t because I’m afraid she likes him, it comes from the fear that he likes her. She likes girls, so that alone reassured me. But yeah. Stupid emotions. But because I was already having a shitty day and super low self-confidence, that’s why it got to me so bad, and that’s when I called Ethan.
I talked to him and he reassured me there was nothing to worry about and I tried to explain that I was having issues with eating. He said to just eat and I laughed telling him it’s more complicated than that, and he sure as shit knows that. He is very out of practice when it comes to helping me with my eating. But I don’t know I’m just bleh.
I’m in treatment while writing this, and we just did Body Image. I talked about my jealousy and how that affected my view of myself and my image. See, I hate jealousy. To me, being jealous is a sign of weakness, or not being good enough. To me, being jealous is fucking humiliating and I hate that feeling. That’s why I had such issues last night and I know that. I HATE admitting it, but it is important for me to admit and acknowledge. Lying does nothing good.
But I am so annoyed at myself for being jealous, I am kicking my self way harder than I should. I think that because when I was with Ethan and I did get jealous and there was a bad reaction to that, every time I do get jealous I just feel all those old feelings again. That’s also why I think talking to Ethan wasn’t as helpful, because he just doesn’t get the whole jealousy thing. He said that he also was jealous when we were together but like he never seemed to show it. I always, while with him, felt so insecure and I hated that about us. I guess last night just reminded me of a time when I felt weak and not good enough and that’s why I couldn’t eat or couldn’t bare to look at myself in the mirror without cringing or starting to hate on myself. There are days when I know I’m sexy. Then there are days like yesterday where I couldn’t stand my reflection.
I’m out of treatment now. I’ve been writing this post through out the day. I feel much better than when I started writing this post. I talked to one of the therapists after Body Image and talked about Cody, the jealousy, my sister, and my parents. The jealousy thing was easily settled. Then the main conversation was about my family, and how the situation with my sister has been stressing me out and making me have extremely strong self-harm urges. It’s not only just my sister, but its the whole family situation at home.
I went home to drop something off after treatment, then left to go to Starbucks to get coffee before Cody and I hang out. The family situation is so uncomfortable I rather sit in my car in the parking lot and blog instead of sitting in my room to blog. You’re probably asking why is she in her car instead of in Starbucks. To answer the question, I have like a couple minutes before heading over to get Cody so I just made my coffee and quickly pulled out my laptop.
But in all seriousness, my family needs to talk. We ALL need to sit down and talk about each of our concerns and talk about what everyone needs and is feeling. This not talking isn’t helping any of us. I know we are all stressing. My mom hates the situation between my sister and I. Same with my dad. Plus,tomorrow my dad is getting his pacemaker in. That’s another thing that’s going on, that we as a family need to be together for. We need to support each other.
I talked to my sister this evening, and let her know everything on my mind. I kinda cried a bit while opening up to her. I am angry because I, earlier went to my moms closet to get a safety pin from her sowing box. I didn’t. But now I did. The thing that stopped me was thinking of Quick Silver and Cody and their reaction if I did go through with the self-harm. I don’t know if I ever wrote this when I was with Eric, but he once told me he understood the urges and how it builds and sometimes you just need that release. He once told me that I was allowed to self-harm as long as he was there to make sure I didn’t hurt myself too much. Not that I would. I mean, I use a safety pin and scratch until blood is there. I don’t and wouldn’t ever use anything but a safety pin because to me I can control a safety pin and the damage. Anything else is too risky and scary. But the urge has passed. I just wish things at home would get better…