Tattoo’s, Panic Attacks, Playfulness, and Fear

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I did go to support Hannah yesterday with getting her tattoo. On the drive over though it was pouring rain. I hate driving on highways in pouring rain because it reminds me of Monster. I had chest pains on the way there and the girls greeted me with hugs and asked if I was okay. I explained the chest pain thing and this girl who we’ll call Lexie took me outside for a walk. Lexie is awesome, she is one of my favorite girls in treatment. Apparently all the girls had a rough time after treatment ended. I won’t go into details because it’s their business. My chest pains eventually stopped and we headed back to the tattoo parlor.

We got back to the parlor and my pains came back. I think it was because I associate tattoo parlors with my sister and because me and my sister are not good I was getting anxious over it. One of the girls was also not feeling well so Lexie, me and her went across the street and Lexie started blasting this music that she got while in Africa. It was very happy and they started dancing. I laughed and then the other girl grabbed my hands and the three of us were dancing like idiots while the guys at the tattoo shop were outside smoking and laughing at us.

We headed back in and eventually Hannah was ready to get her tattoo. All the frew girls were there cheering her on and helping her. One girl said she was going to faint while Hannah was getting her tattoo. Hannah started to freak out to me and another girl and was begging one of us to get the other girl out. Lexie eventually got the other girl out. Hannah had to take a break because she started to panic. After fifteen minutes Hannah was ready to start again as long as it was me and two other girls in the room. We coached her through the rest of the tattoo and I had to leave and said goodbye.

Getting home I told Cody he could come over whenever because he planned on cooking dinner. I was in my room dancing and trying to stay in a positive mood when Cody came over. I even bought myself roses the other day because I thought it would help keep my mood up.

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It was around nine or so and Cody came over. Dinner didn’t end up getting eaten until like past midnight. We had sex, twice. But there was a hiccup. He asked me if I was into anything else besides “normal” sex. That’s where it went downhill. I’m not going into detail about this but I told him of something that turned me on, and well… he had to know that asking that question meant I had to learn I liked it from a past experience. I don’t know if it was the jealousy thing but he was not happy and we got over it. I think he started to tickle me or something and then things became really playful which I loved. That’s one thing I do love, is how playful we can be. It is sweet and fun. After that Cody was telling me I needed to eat. I refused, but he let me “tickle torture” him. See, he is seriously ticklish on his back and I don’t know why but I love to tickle him and see his reaction. I think its a mixture of adorable, cute and funny. After that he was telling me we needed to eat. I, of course was great at distracting him, which is when we had sex for the second time that night.

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I finally said I would eat and we went down to make food. My sister had pasta cooking and I started to make rice. She came in and walked out. I turned her pasta off and took it out of the water. I put it in a bowl and grabbed a fork and cheese. Cody said she went to the basement. I went down and started to say, “I brought your-” and she cut me off and screamed, “GET OUT!”

I put the bowl of pasta on the ping pong table and scurried upstairs back to the kitchen. I was explaining to Cody what happened when we both heard a smash. I assume she knocked the bowl of pasta off the table. There are things I don’t want to get into about my sister and me, but let’s just say hearing that was a bit triggering for me and brought up some old memories.

I ended up eating and we went to bed, but it was hard to sleep. I was scared. I was thinking about all the memories and the fear. I told Cody to cuddle me so I could get to sleep easier. He did and I did actually fall asleep but I later woke up. I kept waking up too. I don’t think I got good sleep last night because I was a bit hyper-vigilant.

Cody says my sister is being a bitch. I am not fond of that, but I can agree she is being unreasonable and stubborn. But see, to me and my family this behavior is nothing new, it’s actually old behavior that hasn’t presented itself in a good five years. To Cody this is new, so maybe he just isn’t used to this dynamic.

Maybe my sister is acting like a bitch? I honestly don’t think so. Maybe that’s not my definition of what a bitch is. See, to me a bitch is another term like slut, whore, cunt, etc. I don’t use those. They are just negative words to describe a girls behavior. I don’t like it. Where are all the words for guys? Bastard? Okay, let’s have more. Seriously. I wish there were a lot of negative terms for guys because I would be calling guys bad terms all the time because of how much I tend to hate guys at times. Sorry, I just don’t like that Cody says my sister’s acting like a bitch. Yeah, my sister may be pissed at me but I will always defend her. As I posted earlier, I play the role of a sister, and my job is to protect her and defend her.

But seriously, I don’t think my sister is being a bitch. I think she is just not mature enough and she is falling back on her traits of being stubborn with a hot temper. It’s sad to see her be so stubborn and it’s also sad to see her just digging herself deeper and deeper into this hole of anger. I don’t like seeing that, and I don’t want her to take her anger out on me or anyone else.

This situation is really hard on me. I’ve had urges to burn or cut, but haven’t. But yesterday when Lexie and I took a walk, we got a snack and there were these lighters…and I only use a specific lighter to burn, I won’t burn with anything else, it’s not as satisfying. I was so close to buying one, but didn’t because I knew Cody would not be happy with me. But even after we had sex I was thinking about how I still had self-harm urges, and especially after she broke that bowl.

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That lead Cody and I to talking about how we both deal with anger. He explodes and wants to hurt other people where as I implode and want to hurt myself. See, when we had that hiccup he was talking about how he wanted to hurt the guy and I was distressed hearing that. I’m sure Cody gets distressed hearing me talk about the urge to self-harm. But yeah, I guess we handle anger and being upset in different ways.

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Not sure if my sister will go to this family therapy session later today, but my parents are going to go. Even if they just go, it will be helpful so we as a family can talk about how to handle my sister and how to move forward. It’s upsetting everyone in the house. It’s not a healthy environment right now. I’m really hoping that something gets solved today or that we have a game plan on how to handle this or what to do.

XOXO Anna

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