One Day At A Time

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I feel like I am on a tight rope, and I am trying to get across to the other side, but things keep coming up that make me lose my balance, and I almost fall. That’s how I feel. I feel like I am trying so hard to stay on track, but things are coming up and each one is like a gust of wind that makes me lose balance.

After Cody left for work my dad yelled at me about the kitchen. That really got to me. I mean, I was already having an emotional morning, fucking PMS, and yelling is really triggering I guess. I finished cleaning the kitchen and I went to my room and blasted sad music. Literally as the first tears began to fall, the cleaners got here. I get up, and decide I’m going to take a drive because the urge to self-harm is too intense.

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I’m blasting sad music, and driving- at a safe speed. Just making that clear because I do have a tendency to speed when I am upset. I know that I want to go to a certain gas station that has those certain lighters…but this self harm mood wants safety pins. I drive and am coming up on CVS where I planned to stop and buy a pack. But, Cody works right across the street. As I am driving up I look across the street and see his car. I look back to CVS and I pass by it. I couldn’t do it. I freaking couldn’t do it.

I really was almost going to do it. I wanted to SO freaking badly. Damn addictions. If I’m not restricting, it turns into self-harm, and if not either of those two it’s drinking. So fuck. I am trying my best to eat and I haven’t drank in a week, so I assume that’s why the urge to self-harm has been SO freaking intense.

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The urge has passed, or is at least manageable. But I am seriously annoyed because of how close I came. I gave my lighters and safety pins to Quick Silver on Valentine’s day. I’ve gone six months without self-harming. I can keep going. I want to keep going. It’s just this thing with my sister is…it’s depressing my whole family.

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Also, Serena texted me the other day asking if I could model for her. I said sure, and then she described what she wanted. She wants me in a “very very sheer dress” and wants me to wear a nude thong and no bra or a nude one and wants it to be at the train station downtown at either sunrise or sunset. That’s when I was like “uhhhhh” yeah no. I mean, I told her I would think about it, but I would rather wear something else. Cody was there when I got that text and he was not happy with it. So, see if I cut, then it would leave a mark, and then if I had to go over to see Serena and try on clothes, she would see it. I wouldn’t want her to see that. Though, she probably has seen my cuts before… don’t remember. But still, I don’t need anyone thinking I’m struggling. I also wouldn’t need Serena’s possible judgment.

There are many reasons I am staying strong and not self-harming.

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  1. This one may be stupid, but how awesome would it be if I could say I gave up self-harming on Valentine’s day? Valentine’s is about celebrating love, so why can’t it be self-love?
  2. I know how disappointed Quick Silver would be.
  3. Cody. I know he would be upset. I don’t want to upset him. I also don’t want him to think less of me or badly of me or rethink being with me (and I know those are irrational thoughts but can’t help it)
  4. It’s been six months! I want to keep it up and say I’ve gone seven months, or eight months, or a year without it.

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I am hoping the rest of my day gets better. I think the cleaners are gone now, which means my parents are supposed to be talking to my sister when they get back from lunch. I pray to the gods that goes well. I am going to make a snack or try to, or eat something… I am hungry. I mean, I honestly need to get better at meeting my exchanges. I am not doing it. I need to get better at it.

Hoping everyone else’s day is going better than mine!

XOXO Anna

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2 thoughts on “One Day At A Time

  1. My whole week sucked big time….but KUDOS to you for not harming!!!! It doesn’t matter which reason it is, they’re all tools in the tool box and whichever one works today is good, and let tomorrow worry about itself.
    And I TOTALLY get the 14th…I like the idea that it can be self-love! Hang in there, and have something good to eat 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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