I feel like I am on a tight rope, and I am trying to get across to the other side, but things keep coming up that make me lose my balance, and I almost fall. That’s how I feel. I feel like I am trying so hard to stay on track, but things are coming up and each one is like a gust of wind that makes me lose balance.
After Cody left for work my dad yelled at me about the kitchen. That really got to me. I mean, I was already having an emotional morning, fucking PMS, and yelling is really triggering I guess. I finished cleaning the kitchen and I went to my room and blasted sad music. Literally as the first tears began to fall, the cleaners got here. I get up, and decide I’m going to take a drive because the urge to self-harm is too intense.
I’m blasting sad music, and driving- at a safe speed. Just making that clear because I do have a tendency to speed when I am upset. I know that I want to go to a certain gas station that has those certain lighters…but this self harm mood wants safety pins. I drive and am coming up on CVS where I planned to stop and buy a pack. But, Cody works right across the street. As I am driving up I look across the street and see his car. I look back to CVS and I pass by it. I couldn’t do it. I freaking couldn’t do it.
I really was almost going to do it. I wanted to SO freaking badly. Damn addictions. If I’m not restricting, it turns into self-harm, and if not either of those two it’s drinking. So fuck. I am trying my best to eat and I haven’t drank in a week, so I assume that’s why the urge to self-harm has been SO freaking intense.
The urge has passed, or is at least manageable. But I am seriously annoyed because of how close I came. I gave my lighters and safety pins to Quick Silver on Valentine’s day. I’ve gone six months without self-harming. I can keep going. I want to keep going. It’s just this thing with my sister is…it’s depressing my whole family.
Also, Serena texted me the other day asking if I could model for her. I said sure, and then she described what she wanted. She wants me in a “very very sheer dress” and wants me to wear a nude thong and no bra or a nude one and wants it to be at the train station downtown at either sunrise or sunset. That’s when I was like “uhhhhh” yeah no. I mean, I told her I would think about it, but I would rather wear something else. Cody was there when I got that text and he was not happy with it. So, see if I cut, then it would leave a mark, and then if I had to go over to see Serena and try on clothes, she would see it. I wouldn’t want her to see that. Though, she probably has seen my cuts before… don’t remember. But still, I don’t need anyone thinking I’m struggling. I also wouldn’t need Serena’s possible judgment.
There are many reasons I am staying strong and not self-harming.
- This one may be stupid, but how awesome would it be if I could say I gave up self-harming on Valentine’s day? Valentine’s is about celebrating love, so why can’t it be self-love?
- I know how disappointed Quick Silver would be.
- Cody. I know he would be upset. I don’t want to upset him. I also don’t want him to think less of me or badly of me or rethink being with me (and I know those are irrational thoughts but can’t help it)
- It’s been six months! I want to keep it up and say I’ve gone seven months, or eight months, or a year without it.
I am hoping the rest of my day gets better. I think the cleaners are gone now, which means my parents are supposed to be talking to my sister when they get back from lunch. I pray to the gods that goes well. I am going to make a snack or try to, or eat something… I am hungry. I mean, I honestly need to get better at meeting my exchanges. I am not doing it. I need to get better at it.
Hoping everyone else’s day is going better than mine!