Cody and I went out to brunch. After I posted earlier today I took a shower, and I got a safety pin. I kinda started to cry, and I went over where I usually would cut, lightly once. That is usually enough to remind me to not cut. I did that and I didn’t cut. Thinking about Cody and his reaction was enough to keep me from doing it even though it’s what I wanted to do more than anything in those moments. No one’s ever been stronger than my addiction. I am hoping it stays like this, that if I ever do get that close, the thought of Cody and his reaction will keep me from doing it when I can’t convince myself. I told Cody and gave him the safety pin.
We went to the bar and he got a beer and food and I had some coffee and food. One of his friends was there, like always, and it was nice to see and talk to him. Brunch was really fun and got my mood back up.
I got home and explained why I wanted my food to be mine. My mom didn’t get it, and I told her I almost cut and she said I was overreacting, and I said that if Cody wasn’t in my life that it wouldn’t be a safety pin she needed to worry about, but a kitchen knife. She didn’t take me seriously and I just got annoyed and walked out to talk to my dad and explain. I apologized, my dad apologized. Things were good. My sister walked in the kitchen and I asked her if she got what I bought. She proceeded with opening the trash and showing me she threw it away.
I’m now in my room, door locked, sad music playing, trying not to cry. I mean, I knew it was a possibility that she would throw it away, but I knew how much she loved the things I got, so I thought her love of those things would outweigh her hatred of me… I’ll be fine, but it hurt to have her tell me she threw it away and then open the trash, and rub it in my face.
Just another hour before Cody gets out of work and I get out of this house…