I walk through the door and I ask how last night went with talking to my sister. They gave me the vaguest bullshit answer, and I demanded specifics after like three times of asking. My dad went further into it, and I was at least happy they talked to her. Apparently she didn’t really talk back, and is being pretty much silent to them. My mom explained that if in two days she doesn’t decide what she’s doing, then they are going to I think shut her cell service off. At least my mom is being a hard-ass.
But I comment on how everything I bought my sister wasn’t in the kitchen and I asked if she threw it away or took it. They figured she took it upstairs. I then opened the snack drawer where my smartfood was and half the bag was gone, as expected, and I commented, “Hey dad, can you not eat the rest of this? Or if you do, can you go get more?” My dad responded in an annoyed tone with, “Who is paying for that? You can’t tell me I can’t have any more of it. Next time you should buy two or three bags if you’re worried about me eating it. Okay?”
I swallowed, and held my tongue, knowing if I lost it on my dad everything would be worse so I said, “Okay, you’re right.” I’ve never felt so submissive. I hated that. I didn’t want to even fight for it. I just gave up. That reminds me of the person I was back in middle school when I feared this girl, Skyler, and she ruled over everyone.
If I had the fight in me I would have explained why I wanted him not to eat it, because of the anxiety I get going into the grocery, but I think he would laugh it off or something. I don’t know, but I know that only five minutes of getting back to my house and I am craving a safety pin. That’s really sad. I was hoping that coming back from Cody’s, everything would be a bit calmer today or… I don’t know. I’m just feeling really discouraged and submissive, which I hate. I just can’t take anymore anger or negative emotions directed at me or I will break.
I want to scream, and cry, and hit my baseball bat against the mattress in the attic, but I know if I try to express any “negative” emotion my mom will burst through the door and tell me to stop. That’s really annoying because there’s a reason I restrict, drink excessively, or cut or burn. It’s because I am trying to express my emotions, or numb them. If I can’t express my emotions in a healthier way I will end up turning to my bag habits.
Also, with all the shit I went through yesterday, I ate and didn’t restrict at all! I am seriously proud of myself, plus since my period is coming, I am feeling bloated too, but I stayed strong and ate knowing that’s what I’m supposed to do.
I am shocked at how low my mood got since I got in my house. I seriously feel like I’m back in middle school or high school or something. I am honestly shocked that I made it through that period without self-harming or other extreme measures with all the bullying.
I am trying so hard to stay on track, but being in this house is killing me.