After I posted Cody and I ended up having sex. I told him to go slowly in the beginning because I was nervous, because I didn’t want it to hurt because of yesterday. Maybe that was my first clue I wasn’t ready to have sex with him. The fact that I was nervous. It didn’t hurt, which was great, and it started out nicely. Something felt off though, and I ended up having to stop. I got triggered.
I feel like a fucking failure and I know how stupid that sounds. But PTSD is a fucking bitch. Yesterday so much happened. There were tests done that were triggering to me for my rape yesterday and with that already being an issue, plus Cody coming home drunk from guys night, driving intoxicated, that was all just too much a reminder of the past I guess. I mean, Cody and I talked before we had sex. But maybe I am just not over last night. Hopefully I feel better later today.
Cody also said to me once again, “Sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship.” I guess it’s true, but then again, how would I know that with my past being my past. I am used to being sex or money. So when I told Cody that I couldn’t continue with sex he said okay, got off, put boxers on, and just wanted to make me feel better.
I felt bad though because I had gotten off and I had to stop before I got him there. He told me I didn’t have to feel bad and that this was his fault. I just guess I am annoyed at myself. I am annoyed because when I had sex with Cody this morning it didn’t feel right. It’s never felt like that with him, and that’s what made me so upset. In the past, there were times when I’d sleep with my boyfriend of the time and it didn’t feel as good or right and I’d just do it. But with Cody I couldn’t just do that. It didn’t feel right, and it felt like I would be doing something wrong to him if I’d let it continue. It’s not fair to him either. I mean, when we have sex it’s good, it’s making love, it’s positive, respectful, exciting, fun, playful, etc. But this time didn’t feel right and I don’t know what to think of that.
I knew I was nervous to have sex because of the burst cyst and I wasn’t sure if there was going to be pain, but I was also nervous because I don’t know. It just… grr. I told Cody I might not be able to have sex later today, or tomorrow, or even the next day. It’s a possibility, but knowing me, I figure I’ll be fine to go again tomorrow. But I honestly don’t know. With the emotional whiplash of yesterday in the ER and the boys night fall out I just don’t know.