On Monday I had therapy. I bailed on treatment because I was feeling sick and my mouth were still hurting like a bitch. When I went to therapy I had no idea how much was really going on in my head until I sat down and started talking. There was so fucking much! I mean for god’s sake I couldn’t even shut my mouth for a second at times. There were so many topics that we covered. We talked about my family life at home, we talked about Cody, we talked about Eric and Monster.
See for the past week or so I’ve been seriously nostalgic. I have been thinking about Eric- a lot. That really annoyed me, because why in hell should I be here missing that douche bag? So we talked about it. It was around this time last year that Eric and I were together and getting closer than ever. That all fell a part when we went back to school and I reported Monster. I hate transitions. Transitions usually mean loss or breakups or just bad things in general. I hated how most of the session focused on my life back in GA. But, then again, I really miss GA, but I’m better off here. I want my friends. I want it to be a year ago, before all the bad things happened. Well, a year ago I had still gone through bad things, but me, Eric, and Ethan were still a family.
I want the three musketeers back. That’s never going to happen. It sucks. At least Ethan is still in my life in the way of us texting occasionally about our writing and stories. Eric is gone. Completely fucking erased from my life. That’s hard. In the past year I’ve lost the three closet people to me, Ethan, Eric, and my sister. I guess I didn’t realize how hard it was on me until we talked in therapy about it.
We also talked a lot about Cody, and how to handle the transition back to school, and being able to help Cody with his work and make sure he doesn’t fall behind. But after therapy on Monday I felt a lot better. I felt like I understood why I was so “off”.
Monday evening after Cody and I had had sex for the second time that night, I went to the shower and I suddenly had a pain in my lower abdomen. It became excruciating quite quickly, and it felt like something had or was going to burst. Cody begged to take me to the ER but I refused and said that we should wait. The pain dulled after a couple minutes but I was still having jabbing pains all night. In the morning I told my parents and they told me I should have gone to the ER last night or woken them up. So yesterday Cody drove me to the ER.
Let’s just say that Cody was fucking AMAZING. Like holy fucking hell, what a fucking trooper he has been. He hates the dentist, but last thursday he took me and was there with me when they put me under. Now, he goes to the ER with me, even though he hates hospitals, and he stays with me until I was discharged. Like, dude, no one’s ever been so kind or sweet to me. As Cody and I later discussed that evening, I guess I have a warped idea of what a boyfriend is and isn’t. Cody said that he is my boyfriend and that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship. When he said that it kinda hit me.
In the past, my relationships were very….superficial I guess you could say. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Ethan and I were emotionally close and stuff, but just because you’re emotionally close to someone doesn’t mean… I don’t know. Just, in my past relationships, aside from Ethan since we never had sex, my relationships with my ex’s were mainly based on sex and me buying them things. With Monster, sure he seemed to “care” but honestly when push came to shove he would never take me to the dentist if I needed. Same with Eric. They would probably both find me a nuisance in asking, let alone them actually having to do that.
So Cody made me realize how bad I’ve had it. Or how shitty it’s been. It’s nice to have something different, someone who actually gives a flying fuck about me, you know? Like I actually felt genuinely loved and cared about yesterday. Not to say Cody hasn’t made me feel that before, but yesterday it just really sunk in. Yesterday I felt things shift, in a good way. It was change, progress within our relationship.
I felt terrible about Cody having to be stuck with me at the hospital while they did all these tests, but he said he didn’t mind. He said he wanted to be there. He even said to me, “I don’t think you understand how much I love you.” I replied “I guess not, or I won’t let myself understand that.”
It probably is true though, I don’t know if I have let myself understand that. Or acknowledge or believe or whatever word you want to use. Yesterday kind of proved something to me, that Cody really fucking must love me if he fucking stayed by my side in a hospital for 5 hours. Like, my mind tries to rationalize things away, even good things, or minimize the good things, or try to put them into perspective. It’s a defense mechanism I’ve picked up since my first trauma. But yesterday in the ER with Cody holding my hand through some tests that I was not happy to have done to me, something just clicked and my defense mechanism couldn’t fight it. This boy must really fucking care about me. It’s very strange. In the best way possible though. And when I was discharged, I had a co-pay of $200 and Cody said he would pay it. I told him he was crazy, but he paid it. He fucking spent $200 on me. I mean, I’ve spent a little more on him for this surprise thing I’m doing for him, but I’m used to being the one in the relationship who spends money on the other person, not the other way around. Like again, can we say that he is like a fucking prince or knight in shining armor?
Anyways, it turned out that I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured. All I have to do is follow up with my OBGYN and take it easy I guess until the pain is fully gone.
Cody got asked out to a boys night. We got home and I told him to go. He fucking deserved it after all for being such a fucking prince. Like jeez. So we went home, had some food and watched Pulp Fiction and cuddled which was really nice. So afterwards he was leaving for boys night. Cody proved something to me that day, spending it with me in the ER, and it made me trust him more, feel more… I don’t know, like it was an actual real relationship. Because I felt that things had progressed or I felt that sense of security or safety or whatever, I didn’t mind letting him go out for boys night.
Now, for me, in the past, boys night, with my past boyfriends was dangerous territory. With Monster… well, it meant the potential for cheating. With Eric, it meant drinking to excess and possible mistakes being made or just really bad decisions. See because of my past, and my ex’s, I guess I do have warped ideas about certain things, but that’s only because that’s all I’ve known. Monster, I hated that he would drink and get drunk, or get high in front of me. It sucked. I hated that Eric would, before we dated, be so controlling of me and my drinking. I hated that all he thought about was what girl he could lay the night we went out to some party. Then when we were together, when we got back to school, he was invited to this party and wasn’t allowed to take me. Bull fucking shit. He just didn’t want me to go, and I figured it was because he was starting to look for someone else. I mean, he broke up with me a week or so after, so hey, what can I say?
So as you see, boys night, or drinking and getting drunk, for me, leads to bad things. It brings up a lot of bad emotions. But I told Cody I trusted him, to go out with the guys and have a couple drinks. I spent the evening watching TV and trying to not fall asleep. By 10:30 I was exhausted and went to bed. It’s funny though, as I was getting dressed for bed and grabbed Cody’s boxers to wear I had this bad feeling in my stomach, one feeling I know all too well.
See, in the past, I’ve tried to stay on the positive side with my ex’s going out and having fun or other things, but there were those days where I got that feeling and things weren’t good.
I decided to put Cody’s boxers on and ignore the bad feeling and just toss it off as me being worried or paranoid. I couldn’t shake the feeling though, so I didn’t do what I normally did for comfort when Cody isn’t there to sleep with me. I usually spray his axe on the pillow next to me so it’s as if he is there, at least scent wise. I didn’t do that last night though, because I felt this bad feeling and I just didn’t want to be let down.
I fall asleep. I don’t know what time it is, but I’m woken up and Cody is there in my room, drunk. I swear the front door was locked when I went upstairs, he says it was unlocked and that’s how he got in. I knew he was coming over, but I did not expect this. It’s not fun to be woken up and realize your boyfriend is drunk and he drove home like that.
I was so angry. I had to write out a letter of all my feelings so I wouldn’t explode on him because he didn’t need that. I didn’t want to over react or yell. I wanted to process my feelings and talk in a healthy way. It’s been a goal of mine to take a minute before talking when angry, that way real communication and progress can take place. Cody got back from the bathroom and saw the note. “Can I read this in the bathroom? I don’t want you to see me crying.” He said that and I was shocked. I had no idea he would cry. I mean, he knew I was not happy at all with him, but that was a shock. I let him have the letter.
He came back and he laid on the bed and started crying, like for real crying, like a real fucking cry. He kept saying how sorry he was. I was so shocked I had no idea what to do for a second. I told him I knew he was sorry and that he just can’t ever get that drunk again or drive like that again. We did end up talking about it once he calmed down. I told him why I got so angry (Eric and Monster issues) and I know he is not the cheating type, but the thing that worried me was the driving home drunk part. Cody and I made a deal that neither of us would ever drive intoxicated. That’s why I was so mad. He broke our deal, that’s what hurt. If anything had happened to him last night I would have felt like it was my fault because I told him to go have a boys night. Hell, if… I don’t even want to think about it, but I don’t know what I would have done if anything had happened. He told me not to let him go over three drinks, and to not let him drive if he ever did get over three drinks, and I told him I would do that for him.
So my anger and hurt came from a place of caring. I care about him so much which was why I was so mad and couldn’t believe it. It was like he was a different person. I don’t know, it’s just last night shook me. I felt like we had made so much progress that day in the ER and it felt like it all was lost or came crumbling down, and that’s why I was sad when I woke up this morning.
Hopefully everyone else is having a good day!