Suicide Medicine

I found that song on my sister’s computer and now it’s one of my songs I listen to when depressed.

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I am low. I cut again tonight. I snuck into my dads bag and found a sewing kit and found a safety pin. I took that into my shower and I tried cutting over my XO but since I fucked it up the other night I just couldn’t get it right and it just hurt too much before I drew any little amount of blood so I gave up. Also Cody asked to Skype and I told him, and he let me go to finish cutting while he skyped his friend while gaming or something.

I tried to go over my XO but it just was getting me more frustrated and wasn’t serving my need. I ended up going below my tattoo on my wrist and starting a new, smaller, XO. I got that right and got to see minimal blood. Scratching yourself with a safety pin and making an XO is actually time consuming. It takes time to scratch in an XO. Maybe my sister and other cutters have it right with using razor blades so it’s quick. I just can’t use anything too sharp for fear of doing real damage. I rather be in as much control with my self harm as I can. I don’t want to go deep and I don’t want to kill myself, or have that risk while self-harming.

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I like being in control and just scratching to the point where blood is starting. Then I stop. Though I’ll admit I had a hard time stopping tonight. I got to where I wanted. A new XO is on my wrist. It had it’s minimal blood showing but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t get further with that though, so I cut lines under it because all the other space on my arm between the top XO and the bottom XO was taken.

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I lied to my parents tonight. My dad had to come into the bathroom once and I said I was relaxing. My mom came in to brush her teeth and asked if I was self-harming and I said no, just taking a bath. I haven’t self-harmed, and lied about it in what seems like ages.

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Today would have marked seven months clean of self-harming. Also my three month anniversary with Cody also marks my one year since I stopped getting drunk. AA back in GA called me today asking if I still went and if they were going to need to make my one year chip with my name on it, but I told them I moved out of GA. You guys have no idea how much I wish I could be getting that chip. I honestly haven’t lost myself in drinking since I went to AA. I mean I’ve definitely drank and gotten drunk, but I haven’t been as bad as I was before AA. I mean, I used to get drunk every thursday, friday, and saturday night back in my fall quarter in my sophomore year. Until I got with Monster. Eric and Ethan made sure I didn’t keep drinking.

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But I hate how much has changed. So much is going on. With my sister running away, and staying here and not coming home with us, it kills me. It kills me to know what she went through, the pain she is suffering, and what she is or was doing to herself. But hey, I self harmed the other day and today so I can’t judge, but then again my self harm is quite minimal compared to others.

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I know I haven’t told you all about what’s going on with my sister and my family and the situation we are in, and I can’t reveal that until maybe another day or two, but it is a very difficult situation. I cried when I had to say goodbye to her today.

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Hell we had dinner with her and the people she was staying with and at the end I excused myself to get some air and the thought of running away or just walking into traffic crossed my mind. And when my and my mom and dad went to a bar after that thought of walking into traffic plagued my mind.

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So I did the lesser of two evils. I cut. But that doesn’t mean that suicide has left my mind. I know I’m writing about it and I am sorry if it worries anyone. I have said it in past posts that I would never commit suicide, but I do need to talk about it. I need to say that I am suffering right now. I am going through a lot and so many things are going on and I am not sure how I am going to get through it all.

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  1. My sister ran away, wrote of suicide, admitted to something I can’t reveal, and self harms and my family is completely helpless and can’t do anything about it because she is 18.
  2. It’s that time of year. Eric and I were together last year around this time. I also reported Monster just about now last year. Eric dumped me and I dealt with Monster getting away with rape by myself.
  3. November 7th will be coming up, which is the anniversary of Monster raping me.
  4. I am not going to school this semester because of my sister. School was the only thing that was making things better and keeping me grounded and made me have a purpose. I was heading towards my goals and now I am stuck with nothing. I feel useless and purposeless.

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So things aren’t looking too good right now. I mean, hey I’ll try to stay positive and not completely lose myself in a pit of depression and self hatred. I know I am not being super positive right now but I just have been so strong for everyone else while this whole situation has been going on, and seeing my sister is what made me crack, what made me brake.

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Also I know how stupid this is but Cody is playing games and wanted me to Skype with him and his friend he is playing with but why in the god fuck would I Skype with a stranger while I am this depressed and just self harmed? Like if anything I want to Skype with Cody just so I can talk to JUST HIM so I can not feel as bad as I am feeling now. I obviously suck at hinting over FB message that I … it doesn’t matter.

I am just so low so why bring anyone else down with me right? No Cody would absolutely hate me if I… but I can’t ruin his fun.

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I feel like a loser and a failure and gross and meaningless and worthless and undeserving and fuck. I just have no self esteem right now. I have no motivation and I have no confidence what so fucking ever. I want to talk to someone. I want to reach out for help but I can’t. I have to be strong or appear strong for my parents. I don’t want to burden anyone either. I feel so bad right now. And I’ve been writing notes down on my phone of my feelings from the past couple days and fuck. I scare myself with what I feel. I haven’t felt this kind of depression in a while. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel so fucking bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to ask for help, or even deserve help even if I ask. Fuck I am back to where I was before college. Back to my secrecy and self hatred. Unless I get the courage to let someone know how I am truly feeling…

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XOXO Anna

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One thought on “Suicide Medicine

  1. That sounds like such a bad place 😦 from what you’ve what’s said about Cody I think you should talk to him. There’s no way you’re a burden to him. I’m sure he’s very worried about you and I’m sure he’d do anything to make you feel better

    Liked by 1 person

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