Stress, PTSD, Adoption

tumblr_nn87tn9xVK1tv3dejo1_500

Yesterday I had my job interview, I personally have no idea on how it went. But with my cynical personality I tend to think that maybe I won’t get the job….but who knows! Anyways, I talked to my sister yesterday and it sucked. It really made me depressed (and that was after me being sad about the job interview). I went home and finished watching some chick flick and had two glasses of prosecco. Cody came home as the movie was finishing. I was not happy. I thought he wouldn’t be home that soon so he caught me watching a chick flick and drinking.

tumblr_n92pgvpgnb1s8c6bfo1_500

Chick flicks aren’t my thing, unless I’m sad and feeling romantic. I watch chick flicks when I feel like I have no real romantic future for myself, so why not lose myself in a stupid movie that makes it seem like people can get happy endings. As I stated before, I was having a very low day yesterday.

Cody ended up cheering me up. I was jealous that he went to hang with his brother. I mean, great for him, go do that. Hell, I wish I could do that with my sister. But my sister and I are still not on the best of terms I guess. I’m happy that Cody got to hang with his brother but it made me realize how much I miss hanging with my sister.

tumblr_nv1jqliarQ1t8xdr4o1_500

tumblr_nrhndgP6pC1u1i4bqo5_r1_250

At the moment I have Cody and Serena as my options for people to hang out with. Cody has all his friends. Like he is hanging with one of his friends tomorrow, and I’m happy that he is doing that but it makes me wish I had some friends around me to hang out with. Maybe I’ll text Ethan, or other people from GA and see if they are free to Skype around the time that Cody will be hanging with his friend. I just don’t think anyone will be free to Skype with me… but I’ll try.

tumblr_ncg5597ZhT1qgjzaqo1_500

I guess since I hadn’t blogged in a while nor have I written in my journal, I didn’t realize how much Monster stuff, sister stuff, and school stuff was affecting me. I looked up classes for spring semester today and I am excited for the classes I want to take but it reminded me that I am not in school right now and it sucks. I love being in school. I know I may sound like a nerd but I love to learn.

tumblr_npulqimPP41thkttwo1_400

My sister being distant has been hard. I just wish we could make up and talk about everything and she would let me in and I could help. I want to go back to the days of us in the TV room, watching shows together while eating our smart food and drinking tea and coffee. It was our thing and we haven’t done that in ages. Now I just watch TV by myself, and sometimes I turn my head to make a comment but my sister isn’t there. It’s sad.

tumblr_mrr0klfsyy1r8cniio1_500

tumblr_mvr1zcaST11s63dczo1_500

tumblr_n0bkawNLwt1s4ip2qo1_500

Monster stuff has been coming up for a while without me realizing it until a couple days ago. But watching that chick flick yesterday just made me think of Monster, and watching the movie with the couple that got the happy ending of being together despite the struggles they had made me feel like I would never get the happily ever after. I know I may sound like a kid with a dream, but that’s okay. Everyone has dreams. My dream is to have a family and career. Peter, Monster, and Owen took that dream from me. Though even before them, when I was with Ethan, he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for a real commitment.

tumblr_nh1lo36apV1titzlso1_500

Ethan saw this gif, and I said that was so mean, and he said “yeah, I am going to do that for someone someday, it will be funny.” Note how he said someone. I guess I never got the message from anyone that I was long term material. I know that most guys see me as short term because they see me as a hot fuck. Which sucks. But whatever.

tumblr_mjpyqeqRHP1s8unaco1_250

Before I met Cody, I envisioned my future as someone who had only their career and their pet. No husband or boyfriend, no real friends, and no kids. The best possible scenario I envisioned was me adopting and being a single mom. That was my happy ending that I saw after my trauma’s, and the single mom thing was if I was lucky. I know that when Cody heard me say that to him once he was sad that I thought of my future like that.

tumblr_n1yiojsQ591ro7kx2o1_500

Now I actually do see a real possibility for a normal future. The one I dreamt of. But at the same time, with Monster stuff coming up, it threatens that dream of mine. It makes me feel like even though Cody and I are good, and he loves me and sees a future with me, I somehow think it’s going to disappear or be taken away. I know it’s irrational, but I just can’t help it I guess. I don’t think that all the time, it’s only when I feel vulnerable or down or some other emotion that is accosted with something negative. That’s why yesterday was so hard on me. I felt the job interview didn’t go so well, so I felt like a failure or rejected which brings out my trauma feelings, hence why I started thinking that I don’t get to have the future I dreamed of.

tumblr_nfz4fvOxZL1qatd7ho1_500

I am trying to figure out what I can do to make me feel better. I know being social could potentially make me feel better, but who the hell am I supposed to be social with?! I don’t want to hang with Serena again, I just hung out with her the other day. I just wish I had my guy friends around. I wanna hang with them. I want to feel like I actually do have friends and am not some loner loser. I know I am being quite harsh with my words towards myself. It’s just this is how I felt back in high school. I was a loner in high school. I had my small group of friends, but other than that I was a loner.

tumblr_nsii16vpDO1ubj5mao1_400

Cody seems to have so many friends and right now I feel like I have none. It’s a bit hard. Especially because of the fact that right now Monster stuff is coming up, I know I am not supposed to isolate or hide. I am supposed to try to go out and have fun.

tumblr_nq25qfg3IR1spa26ao1_500

But how am I supposed to have fun? Please tell me because for me, and my past, fun meant getting drunk and finding a guy to go home with to forget the fact that I went through the trauma’s. And right now, realizing that Monster stuff is coming up makes me want to avoid and hide. I want to pretend that all of it never happened to me.

tumblr_n3lotad26q1smcbm7o1_250

I definitely am starting to struggle with my PTSD again…yay me for being not strong enough or something. I know that in my PTSD book it says that when symptoms come up it doesn’t mean you’re a failure, but right now I feel so angry. Angry at myself and angry at Monster. I know Cody says that my PTSD and anorexia and other stuff isn’t who I am, but it is part of me. I know that he says I make him happy and he loves me, but the part of me that was violated by these guys doesn’t comprehend that still.

tumblr_nlxb735SP11tg49y0o1_400

People say experience is one of life’s best teachers. In my experience people eventually bail because of my PTSD. Cody says he isn’t going to bail. I’ve heard that before. I know he is different than the other people and I shouldn’t compare…but I am a bit scared. Hell, Eric was there for three years and then suddenly walks away as if I meant nothing to him. It seemed so easy for him to leave…after THREE FUCKING YEARS! Yeah, I’m angry. So much for best friends and being family, it obviously meant nothing. But see, it took Eric three years to leave me but he left. The others seem to come and go. They are there for me and then they will leave when things get tough, and somehow we come back together and the cycle repeats. There’s a reason I fear abandonment. I know my abandonment issues go way beyond these past couple years. It honestly, in my opinion, stems from my adoption. I am not sure if I’ve talked about my adoption on here yet, but I am now.

tumblr_ndo3n4Ecsk1tysr3vo1_500

I’ve talked with my parents multiple times about my adoption. I think that me feeling unlovable and unworthy and undeserving all stems from my adoption. In my mind, I honestly don’t know how a parent could give up their child. I am not judging those who have, that’s your choice. For me, I think back and imagine having my parents give me away. Maybe it was hard for them, maybe it wasn’t their choice, maybe other things were at play. But at the end of the day, my thoughts on my adoption are that I was unwanted. If my own biological parents didn’t want me then why the hell would anyone else want me? I know, I’m being a little cynical and depressing, but it’s how I feel at times. But I know that my real parents want me and love me. I know that some stupid people who are my biological parents shouldn’t define whether I am good enough, lovable, wanted, and so on. They truly are just meaningless. The only thing they were good for was creating me, so why should I put so much weight into them? Who cares if they gave me away? Maybe it’s not me who isn’t deserving but it’s them? Because even though I’ve gone through a lot, I think I am deserving of lots of things. I think I am deserving of love and respect. I think I am worthy…as long as I don’t think about my adoption and trauma’s that is. So I am a fucking work in progress, which I will always be.

tumblr_nerchqYNhw1twuv7fo1_500

I guess I have to be okay with the fact that I am human and I am not perfect.

XOXO Anna

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Stress, PTSD, Adoption

  1. Wow….lots going on. I haven’t been checking due to way too much stuff in my life (work only, nothing fun) but this post alone makes me feel I”m caught up πŸ™‚
    First…IT IS OKAY TO BE HUMAN AND NOT PERFECT!! Now how to be okay with that….if you figure it out let me know too πŸ˜‰ It’s the struggle every self-aware person I know has. The ones who don’t struggle with it are the ones who don’t think deeply or haven’t been scarred
    2) having fun….yeah, sometimes it’s tough to figure out what FUN is. I struggle with that. For me, it’s realizing, or making myself realize, that the times that I’m not depressed are good times and I need to tell myself “hey, this is a good time”. Maybe you and Cody can create new, good times. Maybe you can define the time spent blogging as “good” time because it helps process the thoughts and it connects you with others. Maybe it’s being aware that you enjoy school and learning and define this time as “fun” (I do that sometimes when I’m giving a presentation on a topic I really love). And maybe it’s a process of figuring out what you’d like to try now that you’ve got a good guy and you’re getting a handle on the bad impacts of life (yoga, music lessons, art, biking long distance, whatever)
    3) Congrats on the job ! (yeah, I read ahead πŸ˜‰
    4)Sorry about the PTSD (hug). Sucks. And the fear of losing Cody or having him bail like Eric did. I kinda understand, but i’ve got no good answer other than give him a chance, knowing that maybe he’ll bail but so far he’s seemed pretty damn good
    On a lighter note (kinda…intended that way at least) my response to the one section was to think “I wonder what it’s like to be viewed as a hot fuck”. Me…well, I’ve always wanted to feel like I was desirable, attractive (yup, some guys are insecure too). I’ve always hated my body, never been given a once over, had a gal come on to me, etc. Would it be shallow if they did? Sure….but it’d have been nice to have experienced it once. Not to say that you deserve those kind of guys, or to have them view you as short term, but I”m at th point where short term would be better than no term :-/
    Keep hanging tough girl!!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s