PTSD and the Future

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This morning Cody and I were making out and Cody answered one of my questions with, “I can’t help it, you’re so beautiful.” That was the biggest trigger ever. I didn’t know it was a trigger until this morning. That’s what Owen said as to why he raped me. Cody apologized right after he said it.

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I felt like I was back in GA and thought I was at Owen’s place. It felt as if the rape had just happened. It sucked majorly. I felt so stupid because part of me knew I was home, but the other part of me felt like I was back with Owen. It was scary. I definitely was flashing back. Not one of those extreme flashbacks where I really have no idea where I am or who I’m with , but one of those flashbacks where you seem to be okay and normal but inside your head your back reliving the trauma.

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Cody and I went to breakfast later and we talked about the future. We’ve been talking a lot about the future…our future. It’s been a week or so since I’ve felt this change. It’s a good change; it feels like the next step. We’ve talked about careers, the dog we want to eventually get, plans for apartments and even one day a house, and kids. We definitely talked about marriage, not that we haven’t discussed that before, we definitely have, it’s just this past week it’s felt more real. Something changed between Cody and I in the best way possible. I can’t describe it really, but it feels right to be with him and think of him as my future partner. Not to say that it didn’t before, but it just… you know when people say you know when you know…. it’s kind of like that feeling.

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But I am really happy with Cody, happy beyond belief. I never thought I would really be able to find someone I could be with, see myself with, for the rest of my life. But with Cody I see so many possibilities.

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I hope the rest of today gets better. My PTSD is a ROYAL BITCH today. My mind won’t stop wandering and I am totally anxious. I want to run away, like I have that urge to just get in my car and drive and keep going. Obviously I’m not going to do that but I really miss GA. I miss Quick Silver and Andy a lot. I really can’t wait until Cody and I take the road trip to GA.

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Cody and I talked a lot about Owen this morning, since I was triggered and all, and I guess there was just too much talk of him because I am still feeling all anxious and nervous and on edge. But tonight Cody and I are going to Parkour. We went last week and it was my first time and I loved it! Cody has been doing it for ages, so he is really good. Parkour is a lot of fun and it gets my mood up for sure. I hope I continue to work on my front flip this evening because last week we worked on that and I was doing pretty well for my first time, at least that’s what Cody told me.

Hope everyone’s having a good week!

XOXO Anna

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