I can’t tell you how many times I feel undeserving or unworthy of something. It’s honestly sad as I have come to notice it more and more. It’s my birthday today, so I should be able to feel like it’s okay to have what I want…but I still don’t. There’s this painting that I saw my freshman year…it’s four years later and I still haven’t gotten it for myself. I hate spending money, if I am spending it on me. I personally don’t think I should spend $70 on myself, I feel selfish. Hell, having this trip to Savannah… I feel bad. Thinking about how much it cost my parents I feel like crap. That’s why I used my $100 from Christmas to pay for a fancy dinner the other night.
When I make mistakes I feel even more undeserving. I think, or I guess, or I did make a mistake. We were hanging with Andy…and I guess I walked too close to him? Or I was just walking next to him and Cody felt like a third wheel at times. I didn’t know that. I tried to walk in between the two of them that way none of us felt like a third wheel. Though when we got ice cream Cody and Andy talked about cars the whole time. I kinda just zoned out and let them be guys. But that’s the thing I hate with being a girl that has only guy friends, I don’t always fit in and I can be left out. It’s not their fault, it’s just we sometimes have different interests. I was actually annoyed because they were talking so much about cars. I wanted to jump in the conversation at times and barely did. Andy is my friend…aren’t I supposed to be the one talking to him? But I am happy that Cody got along with Andy. Though Cody is mad(?) upset(?) not happy with(?) me because Cody said he felt like a third wheel when we were walking around town after ice cream.
I always stick to the front of a group because when growing up I would always be left out and in the back. Now a days I always try to stay with the person who is leading. Andy was leading us to a cigar shop. I didn’t know where it was. I followed Andy and stuck by him. I didn’t mean for it to hurt Cody or anything like that. I feel like shit cuz of it. He felt the same way about Ethan when we hung out with him on monday night. Fuck me for being a dumbass.
I don’t know how to get out of this mood now…