I’ve been posting tons of good things about Cody…tonight something not so good happened. If you’ve read my posts you will know that there have been incidents with porn and you will know that we agreed that would not happen in our relationship because of my anorexia. So I found his history saying he looked at suicidegirls.
I was so heart broken when I saw that and then he had the audacity to lie to me about it repeatedly when I asked. I finally said just tell me the truth and I won’t be mad at you. He said yeah he did. I broke down crying so hard. He instantly broke down so hard too. We cried a lot and talked a lot and cried more. He thought I was going to leave him if he told me he did that. He also admitted me might have an addiction to porn. I said I am not leaving him and we’re going to therapy.
I am still processing. I still love him and want to marry him. The thing that hurt most was that he didn’t tell me and lied when I asked. He did think I was going to leave him though. I told him as long as he was honest with me I wouldn’t leave him. I told him to promise me that if he has the urge to tell me. If he does, then tell me. It’s the lying that I can’t stand.
After we got through all that, it made me realize just how much I love him. Though he did something that hurt me extremely badly I still love him. I still want to be with him and work through this. When you truly love someone you don’t bail when the going gets tough. That’s not love. With this realization it gave me this idea. Well, it’s an idea I’ve had for weeks, but I was hoping that Cody would do it, but he has no idea that this thing exists so I know he wasn’t going to do it. I figured I could do it. I know I am not saying anything and being vague, but I don’t want Cody to read this and find out the huge surprise I’m doing. And no, I am not proposing, because Cody told me he would say no because he wants to be able to propose…but what I am doing is close to a proposal I guess. It’s something that is meaningful and signifies commitment.
Cody went to grab dinner, but I have a feeling we will talk more and cry more tonight. Maybe even tomorrow too. But I want to work on this with him. The way he describes the porn thing is the way I feel when I want to cut, it’s like the urge to cut he says. He says he doesn’t want to do it but he has the urge. It’s the same thing with me and cutting. I don’t want to but I can have the urge.
So I am hoping things get better as the week goes on.